#happy pride month here's sad gay teenagers

[galaxytittus]

🎶 you look at me the same, but I can't reciprocate

fragrant air, and then I see your face 🎶

[jamalgripperton46290]

Blinding Lights and Secret Doors (Hub x Bub)

A/N

WE'RE BACK :)))) Enjoy lil' broskis <3

•••

Time flies, goes by like a faint and succinct rustle among the strong, rustling wind. Hell, just a couple months ago Bub was watching the children gleefully play outside, while decorations of fluorescent pumpkins adorned the scene, as well as the occasional 'Trick or Treat' exchanged by exuberant little children buzzing with excitement and pride, showing all of their winnings of candy to their friends, as if they were intricate pieces of treasures, only to be shown to the most trustworthy of people. And then came Thanksgiving. Nothing too special, just Bub showing up to his parent's house for some family gathering being held, and jacking off harshly into his hand shortly after the boredom was too much to overcome by himself.

And jacking off has always been one of Bub's (not many) talents, as he'd like to boast to everyone. He's fantastic, heck, maybe even the greatest. He knows the right amount of pressure to apply, the perfect rhythm, all the key spots, and that flawless angle and position of his wrist where it isn't bound to get as worked up as most of the population's "Average Noob Whacking", as he likes to call it. He might be the ultimate and unmatched whacker off-er or jerk off-er (however you'd wish to call it) in his own eyes, but reality doesn't always live up to the rad expectations we make up in our heads. I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that Bub's just a sad, pathetic little virgin (womp womp). Living his life miserably fucking his hand because no one else is there to do it for him. How utterly sad. (#Lcantrelate).

Okay, well, easing off the harshness here for a lil', let's move onto Hub, our fellow yellow storybot. Looks can deceive, as they like to say, because Hub was often described as an outgoing and friendly fella, usually the one coming up with unusually fun ideas to spend the time, mostly really fuckin' weird. Like that one time he somehow convinced the whole gang to piss in this bigass bucket, to later use the liquid and pour it down at people from his 4th floor. But fun nonetheless. What most didn't and wouldn't expect, was that he had a rather interesting sex life. I mean, c'mon, you wouldn't really be able to predict that some fidgety yellow dude whose stature would fool you into thinking he was a pubescent, moody teenager going on a no-deodorant strike, could name even the wildest positions in bed in less than a minute or two. Well actually, most teenagers nowadays probably could, but like, let's dwell on the good ol' 19-somethings, 'kay? (neither of us was born then but whatever don't come at us pls). Back in the days and stuff, or whatever boomers say these days, I don't know.

Needless to say, while one got bitches, the other one didn't, and was probably getting his dick stuck in something that wasn't a cunt. Like, dude, how much of a virgin can one really be? Bub is the robot embodiment of that.

Well, Hub was pretty well-known around storybot-ville, so naturally, he got invited to some random Christmas party held at some pothead he knew's house, not to toot his own horn, but he was kinda famous around these regions, he was humble about it though, like the cool dude he was #humblestorybotdudeyourockman.

So yeah, Hub being all humble and stuff, accepted the nice invitation, manners and all. And just like in any other story, this is the event where the two oblivious characters meet, and in our stories, end in both of em' fucking, cuz duh. You know what you clicked on anyways, pls keep reading chickadee, we wanna be famous :)))

No one really knows how Bub got there, but he did, m'kay? (I'm feelin kinda lazy rn and making another backstory is kinda exhausting yk sorry chickadoodles momma humpty still loves u)

Anyways,

It was reaching around 11:00 at night, and all the happy storybots were in the exciting midst of getting ready for a fun, gay ol' night with their friends, probably to just end up smoking that wild hippie lettuce and dropping dead on the couch after a couple shots, but at least it was all in loving company, and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters <3 (awwww)

Bub was being an absolute loner in a dark corner, the colorful, bright lights cascading byzantine shadows across his pumpkin-orange hued robot features, the speakers were blasting some random ass song that said something along the lines of someone's cock being bigger than yours? Bub didn't know, he didn't really listen to music (shame on u bub soad is rad asf bro #cigarosupremacy🧎‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙏✝️). His friend apparently ditched him for some hunk like 3 steps into the house. Fantastic.

So alone he was, scanning the crowd before him moshing to some song he didn't know, having what seemed like a good time. He was really debating on finding the nearest bathroom to jack off in because being in a party with nobody at your side is pretty sad and very, very boring. 

He was about to flip a coin to decide his lonely dick's fate, when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he was met with a rather good-looking storybot, roughly his height.

"Hey, haven't seen you around, you new here?" The amber toned fellow shouted over the deafening noise.

"What? Oh, uh, no. Just here with a friend... I think. She kinda ditched me."

"Oh, bummer man, sorry about that. Uh, can I sit here?" Hub gestured at the chair beside Bub. Having nothing better to do (other than jacking off), Bub nodded, moving aside slightly to accommodate space for this new hunk.

"What's a cute guy like you doing alone in here, then?" Hub smirked, inching slightly closer to the orange robot.

"Actually, I just kinda got here, y'know? This stuff isn't really my scene, not gonna lie," Bub rambled on, "And I got here with my friend like 20 minutes ago, and it kinda sucks 'cause I picked my good ratty jeans for this, and like, not even 5 seconds into this place, and some dude starts flirting with her and then just like that, bam, she's gone. So then, I'm like: 'should I jack off or something?', so I was gonna flip a coin and then you came so like, here we are now, I guess."

Listening intently to his whack ass story, Hub let out a small chuckle, kind of mesmerized with this dude, he surely wanted to know more about him.

"What? Shit gets boring, y'know? And jacking off is the next best thing on my list."

"So, I take it you just randomly jack off when you're bored?" Hub laughs.

"Y'know what? Forget it, I probably should be getting home anyway or something." Bub huffed, annoyed. Getting up from his seat a little more dramatically than he probably should've, but he lived for drama and shit, like the little fucker he was.

Strong hands pulled him back and down onto Hub's lap. And correct him if he was wrong, but was that a semi digging into his ass? Damn, who knew a lame ass virgin could make that happen?

Maybe he was imagining things, or maybe someone spiked his drink, but surely, he couldn't make that happen all by himself, could he?

"I was gonna ask you to spend your lonely little Christmas with me. I've been eyeing you a lot tonight, but you're an oblivious one, aren't you?" Hub hums seductively, hands tightly gripping Bub's waist, his mouth starting to ghost across the back of his neck, sending tiny shocks of pleasure down the orange robot's spine.

Eventually, Bub dragged the hunk by the hand and ran with him to the nearest available room, checking that it was empty and free of storybots high off their shit, he locked the door behind them successfully.

As cool and controlled as Bub was trying to play it, he was wracking his brain for possible ways to tackle this... Situation.

I mean, he had already embarrassed himself enough earlier, so he wasn't just gonna tell the dude 'hey brah, I'm kind of a virgin so take it real vanilla on me, 'kay?'. Hell no.

But he figured he'd watched plenty of stuff on the internet, so he knew the gist of it, you could say.

It was probably the adrenaline speaking for him or something, because next thing he knew, some unknown force was making him pull the hunk's jeans down, or at least attempt to, cuz those shits wouldn't come down as much as he pulled on them, the hunk had cake. What a lucky bonus!

"A feisty one, are we?"

He was already thinking of all the ways he'd go with this, his head continuously chanting yes, yes, yes, yes. When it suddenly dawned upon him, he hadn't properly introduced himself to the 'hunk' as he'd been calling him in his head all this time. Dammit, way to go, Bub.

"Uh, not to like, ruin the moment we're having here, but I figured if I want to moan your name as loud as I can and until my lungs give out, I need to know it and stuff," Bub awkwardly smiled rather sheepishly, "Uh, by the way, I'm Bub."

"Oh, yeah. I'm Hub... Uh, nice to meet you? Can you please get on with it, though? My dick's killing me here."

"Uh, yeah, sorry."

Well at least that was out of the way, now he could finally get through with the fun part. It shouldn't be too hard right? (ha, hard. lolsies i'm so silly)

He was a hectic flurry of emotions, up until the jeans finally came off. And he saw the outline of his first ever dick. He was about to suck that thing! Him! Bub Storybot was accomplishing a major milestone today! He almost wanted to take a quick picture posing next to it and keep it in his wallet or something. Hooray for him(?)

Soon after, the moment of truth was here. It felt like the world was spinning in slow fucking motion, all his life was leading to this very moment. He almost shed a tear over this random dude's dick, seriously.

And so, the boxers came off, and woah.

Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Bub's jaw hung agape at the mesmerizing sight, what used to be a semi hard cock was now fully up, the vein on the underside of Hub's length pulsed with blood racing down to his painfully hard dick. The tip leaked slimy little beads of pre-cum sliding down the fiery, angry tip. Bub salivated at the very thought of wrapping his lips around it. So that's exactly what he did.

Capturing Hub's tip in the warm cavity of his mouth, Bub circled it with his tongue while soaking in the small grunts that left Hub as he did so. After some more teasing, Hub grew irritated at Bub's antics and grabbed the back of his head, shoving his length down his throat. Bub's gags filled the pretty cramped room they were both in, the soft yellow hue of the old light encompassed the two and seeped out the small crack at the bottom of the door, along with the sound of Hub's grunts and moans.

Drool coated Hub's length and slid down Bub's chin as he bobbed his head along his length, hands placed on Hub's meaty thighs and eyes tracing over his sweaty features. Wobbly shelves creaked slightly as Hub tilted his head back in pleasure, old ornaments rolled down the slanted shelves and weathered tinsel crunched noisily beneath the weight of his head.

Bub traced the bumps of prominent veins that lined his cock either his tongue, eliciting sounds of pure pleasure from Hub. Prior quiet and kind of unnoticeable groans and grunts soon turned into loud and very noticeable moans, groans and the occasional whimper. Hub's cock twitched deep in Bub's thoat as he fought the need to gag and swallowed every inch Hub had.

Stars exploded infront of Hub's eyes as he felt himself emptying his load in Bub's mouth. Catching his breath as he slumped against the wall and soaked in the few remaining sparks that still burned after he came, Hub clamped Bub's jaw shut with his hand as the other plugged his nose so Bub had no other option than to swallow every last drop.

Hub yanked Bub's pants down, the thicker piece of denim scraping against Bub's two voluptuous planets and bunching up at his ankles. Grabbing the  weathered tinsel in his hands, Hub tightly tied the material around both of Bub's wrists behind his back as he lined his saliva covered cock up with Bub's slightly puckered chocolate starfish.

Bub could barely register the fact that his wrists were restrained behind his back, his pants were down and Hub's body was pressed flush against his back before Hub plunged the entirety of his length into him. A loud yelp (that was more kinda like a loud moan) fell from Bub's lips as Hub continued to thrust inside him at an organ rearranging pace. The door they were currently fucking against rattled and creaked under the borderline animalistic way they were going at it.

What was left of Hub's self-control immediately crumbles and dissolved into nothingness once he'd heard whimpers spill from Bub's tongue, along with the chant of his name that sounded as if he was worshipping Hub's very existence. Roughly pounding into Bub, Hub had a vice-like grip on his fiery orange skin that was now glazed in sweat from the boiling atmosphere of the stuffy cupboard.

With one last deep and gut splitting thrust, Hub spilled all his cum inside Bub. The two were left with white blinding their visions at the sound crushing pleasure that still flowed through their veins before they put in their clothes once again and straightened themselves out.

After some time, it finally dawned upon Bub that he'd just fucked the chunk of a hunk in a damn storage cupboard like fuckin animals. Down and dirty against a door, even that was mind-boggling to him (even though the second he gets a little to bored at any function he's up and off to the nearest restroom or empty room for the wank of his life that leaves his hand cramped up, a tad sore and slightly stuck in the circular position).

It also occurred to him that he'd probably not see or hear from Hub for a while since they only knew each other's name before they rushed off to a cupboard to blow off some steam only to part ways not long after the best lay of each of their lives. Stuffing his hands into his pockets to seem a little less awkward, he felt something crinkling in his palm. He took the thing out and, lo and behold, it was a small note.

2 434-5508

Round 2?

- Hub

Looks like it's gonna be a very merry Christmas this year.

•••

A/N

KFHISGBFHJEDHFGEHDJFGHFEGHBDFJKIUUYGWHEDFJUYEWDGHJUIYUGFGBH

I MISSED YA LIL' CHICKADOODLES

RadHumptyTrumpty here, and I wanna apologize for not being here for like, what. 3 months?

But, alas, we made it and I was very happy to go back to writing again (the last 3 fics were all solely written by pookie jamal) I came up with this random idea laying awake on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I wrote pretty much most of it, and not to brag or anything, but I think this is my best work humor and grammatical wise :)

We both listened to Radio/Video an ungodly amount of times while making this chapter, so thank you father Serj, we owe ya bro <3

Although Siamese Dream kept me fucking poetically soaring. One of the bestest albums ever wtf its amazing ily Siamese Dream. Cried like twice when Luna started playing, that shit is SAD ASF GODDAMN. Thanks for that, father Billy, ur so metal ily <3

Can't forget ma beautiful golden boys. Bullets kept me alive and still does like every second ever. #IBYMBYBMYLSUPREMACY. Love ya lots pookie Gerard <3333333333333333333333333333

Oh and thank you Mozzie, you save me constantly. Meat Is Murder is better than The Queen Is Dead come at me idgaf I stand by my beliefs. Still love TQID a lot tho, but MIM has my heart (My fav is Barbarism Begins At Home btw. Literal gold. Amen). Thanks for that, old man Mozzah <3

I used this fic as an excuse to bully Bub, idk why I just don't like him, Hub's better. Whatever.

I had so much fun writing this, and hope you had fun reading it :)

Mama loves u chickadoodles <33333

-

HI PEEPS, Jamal Gripperton here. It's been a long while since we've posted (like 2 months so like a really long time and stuff). There's a lotta things I gotta tell y'all so I'm gonna go through it kinda quickly. 

Firstly, sorry for not puttin somethin out for a while its just been a lil busy and stuff and there was a lotta kinnktober, nnn and kinkmas stuff we were gonna put out earlier and stuff.

Thirdly, if you read the first A/N you'd know that Beezy Bee is now Rad Humpty Trumpty which to the new readers that'll see this after all of the chapter endings and stuff are changed this won't really matter but yea Beezy Bee will now reside in our hearts and stuff. 

Fourthly, 1.7K?!?!?!?!?!!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FLIPITTY FUCK !?!?!? THANKS LIL PEEPS Literally bouta die cuz alla y'alls are so rad and got a special place in my heart and the journey we've been through so far is like fuckin majestical and I can't put into words how grateful I am for every single one of them reads and the loyal peeps who come back when we drop another banger.

So yea there's that.

(did y'all catch sneaky lil am reference?)

Keep readin this shit, we're really cool.

Have a good one ppls :)

- RadHumptyTrumpty and Jamal Gripperton <3

[rosenallies]

42 for rosenali any au🥺

42. ...out of pride

the phone sex au girlianas go to pride<3 bc its pride season and im sad my state doesn't have pride during actual pride month but like its for the best bc all the gays would die of heat stroke probably but I wanna go to pride so bad and I have to wait til October :( sigh

---

Around them, people milled about, dressed in bright colors and waving flags of all identities. The sun bore down on them and there were far too many people for Denali's liking, but something about it brought her peace. It wasn't unlike her to feel anxious in a crowd, even with Rosé holding her hand, but she felt calm, good even. She found herself smiling at everyone that passed by, two men with a little girl holding both their hands in the middle with a shirt that proclaimed her love for her dads, a group of teenagers, each with a different flag painted on their cheeks, drag queens and kings, and family members holding the hands of the loved ones they were celebrating.

"Are you having a good time today, baby?" Rosé asked, stood behind Denali with her chin rested on her shoulder, watching the parade floats go by.

"I'm having the best time. I can't believe this is my very first pride ever. I've lived in Chicago for years and just never felt the reason to go, I guess."

Rosé hummed. "Now that you have a hot girlfriend to show off you figured now was a good time?"

Denali turned around in Rosé's grasp so she was facing her. "That's definitely it, not the crippling anxiety or anything like that," she joked with a light hearted eye roll.

"Speaking of that, how are you feeling?" Rosé asked, suddenly serious, searching Denali's face for any sign of anxiety.

"I feel good, really good, actually. Usually crowds like this do make me anxious, but it's not. I like being here and seeing so many happy queer people. It reminds me that there is good in the world."

"You're one of those good things in the world, you know that?"

Denali felt a blush creep up her cheeks. "You help me be that way," she said, sincerely.

Tucking a stray curl behind her ear, Rosé cupped her face. "I'm very proud of you. I'm proud of you and I'm proud to love you."

Denali snuck her arms around Rosé's neck and stood on her tip toes to kiss her deeply, something neither of them were used to doing in public, never mind with so many other people around. Rosé hummed into it, her hands migrating to Denali's waist. They kissed innocently, only love behind it, until they needed to pull apart for air; though they kept their foreheads pressed together.

"I'm proud of loving you too, Rosie."

[dreamelies]

Happy Pride Month, fellow gays! Here are some Brühl characters LGBTQ+ headcanons

Warning: nsfw mentions, internalized biphobia, a little sad at the Niki part but picks up, brief mention of binding that’s likely unsafe,

Note: Yes, all of this is me projecting. Let’s go

Helmut Zemo (he/they)

-Had affairs with women and men before meeting the first love of his life, his wife.

-His sexuality is not really something that haunts him or that he represses. If asked, he’ll mention it, if not, he doesn’t see a reason to, but he’s not embarrassed at all.

-After the destruction of Sokovia, the trauma he went through, and considering his power and influence, he doesn’t really see a point in wasting his mental energy keeping such a secret.

-“Sokovians are not… so picky in their choice of lovers. I believe men must not limit their wide scope of available experiences and betray or shy away from their desires only to conform to what is wrongfully deemed ‘natural’, particularly in your puritan american lense. We are too used to seeing polar opposites in the attraction models of western societies. I merely find beauty in the amalgamation of both sides. Now, please, hand me that cup of tea.”

-Most people either assume it or don’t know it, he’s never been one to boast about his former encounters (of any gender)

-They’re a ”I fall in love with a mind, not a gender” type of bisexual

Niki Lauda (he/him)

-He always felt that there was something different about him, but he just thought he was a weird person. A serious person.

-He probably didn’t even realize he liked men until he met a man he hated so much, he wanted to fuck him.

-Even then, he rationalized it as a need to be “the stronger male”, whatever that meant.

-When he finally came to terms with it, though, he didn’t sweat it as much as he thought he would. He just needed to keep it a secret.

-Yes, he didn’t usually care about what people thought of him, however, it was the 70s and he was a racecar driver. He was sure it would affect his career.

-“In your job they respect you but I go out there and have to prove that I am a man. My career, my life, my fame, I have them because I am man enough  to do everything I do... you hear? If I go out there, and it is known, what will they think of my rivalry with Hunt? I cannot do it. Not now. Nicht jetzt”

-Explores his bisexuality mostly through sex, because of a fear of falling in love with a man (internalized biphobia)

-After his crash and after James dies, he thinks he’s wasted his life hiding such a big part of himself. That’s one of his few regrets.

-”Even if they had wanted me dead, I should have said it”

-After his divorce, he meets a man and they start writing letters to each other. Sure, he’s old, but “why not? i’ll give it a shot”

-”This is too gay, even for me” type of bisexual

Alex Kerner (they/he)

-The reason they’re so good lying to their mother, is because they spent the first years of their life doing so. But, when they became a teenager, they couldn’t really hide it anymore, so they told Ariane first.

-When he came out to his mom she didn’t really understand but, out of respect, started calling him by his chosen name, Alex, and referring to them as “Mein Kind” (my child).

-When she really got it was when she found him binding. After explaining what they were doing, she simply asked “Does it hurt?” “Ja” “And you still do it?” “Ja” “Oh, my son”. She held Alex, as both teared up. That was the first time she called them her son, and the first time she saw them as one. In between her motherly top of the head kisses and hugs and tears, she kept saying “Mein Alex, mein lieber Sohn.” (My Alex, my dear son).

-”Ariane, bring me my scissors, we’re giving Alex a haircut” It was a disaster, his mother had cropped out a picture as a reference. Not out of a fashion magazine, or something that wasn’t 20 years out of date, but a soviet poster depicting a man holding a book while leading the workers. She got a hold of the scissors and started cutting. Ariane teased him for days, but he was happy. He was finally happy.

-”3 monster energys in a row” type of transmasc

Andrea (they/them)

-they/them are their primary pronouns because they think it would be hard to keep track, due to their gender fluidity

-they love music because when they play, the world goes away and they get lost in the sound as it becomes their new body. a body with no bounds or signifiers, just an ethereal representation of melodious beauty.

-the water is important to them because it is... fuid. It changes, it flows, it goes in many different directions. 

-”the inherent eroticism of the sea” type of non-binary

-They don’t see who they are as a bad thing, nor keep it a secret. They’re too joyful about the world. which, of course, includes themself. They don’t have the language to explain who they are, but they know. They know, and they celebrate themself. They have pride.

[bisluthq]

It’s your kaylor historian here who still can’t remember my log in details to my KH account 🤦‍♀️ (so please make sure this anon just in case it isn’t... I fear them 👀)

Karlie’s tea post before masters heist:

Ok so I can’t remember who posted first and don’t feel like looking, but taylor posted a selfie and captioned it “Friday calmness” and we (kaylor fandom) had been speculating taylor was going to come out as bi on the last day of June / 🌈pride month🌈 since she’d been doing so much stuff that could be seen (and was) as queer coded. We celebrated the “Friday calmness” thinking it was like a ‘calm before the storm’ with the storm being her coming out.

I think Karlie posted after taylor, but am not 100% sure. Karlie posted a selfie with a cup with a caption like “what’s the tea” and the fandom, thinking they were still together, collectively lost our shit. It looked to us like Karlie was playing off Taylor’s post. (I’ll admit, I didn’t think kaylor were still together, but that weekend I was thinking ‘I can’t believe I doubted them!’ Lol)

*there were also rumours that the YNTCD video and single were delayed a couple of times and meant to be released sooner and serve as a soft coming out, but that taylor kept changing her mind about it and is also why she kept the tracklist length under wraps, because she wasn’t sure if she’d go through with it. She was way more vague than ever before. There were also rumours she had a rolling stone cover planned that she was going to come out in but it was scrapped —— I can’t even remember where these “she’s actually coming out” rumours originated anymore and I can’t remember if people had legit sources and gossip or if it was fan fiction planning, but it was mentioned outside the kaylordom too, so take that as you wish.

Then came the masters heist.

Now, to understand the thought process of Kaylors at the time, you have to remember that we thought Karlie & Taylor had a secret romance, Joe was a beard, Josh was a beard - but since he comes from a crime family who have done a lot of bad things (to put it lightly) and are stupidly rich, Josh had Karlie trapped in such a tight contract and has so much blackmail material that Karlie was forced to fake marry him against her will - remember, it was only meant to be a photo shoot for a Vogue wedding spread showing what wedding fashion was available, it wasn’t meant to be a wedding! But josh had his team leak the photos and instead of saying it was all for a photo shoot, Karlie had to say she was now married. <- that was the narrative and thought process within the fandom.

So the fandom thought 🛴 and Josh conspired to announce the purchase of big machine/ taylor’s masters which would derail her coming out plans. The fandom thought Karlie had no idea it was happening. Scooter and Josh were worried Taylor was going to come out, which would ultimately out Karlie since there were so many rumours about Kaylor already, and it would then out Josh and ruin Josh’s image, making it look obvious to everyone that Josh and Karlie were just beards, but kaylor was real. To avoid tarnishing Josh’s hetero card, scooter waited until the end of June to announce he bought taylor’s music for maximum impact.

(Never mind that someone spent $300M to keep a client in the closet) that was how we interpreted the situation (kept writing the fan fiction) and that it was a blow to taylor and a huge betrayal from scooter to Karlie because now they had extra leverage / ways to hurt Karlie.

So yeah. It was a very sad time. This also is why some kaylors think hoax lyrics point to their everlasting love “my best laid plans” = tay ready to come out end of June “your sleight of hand” = scooter tricking Karlie when he bought the masters and any information about taylor that Karlie mentioned innocently was used against them, “my barren land” = taken on a new meaning since Karlie announced her pregnancy, but initially it was seen as the land that was meant to be blooming with love was left barren and empty because of the masters incident delaying her coming out.

It sounds absolutely ludicrous, but the only way to understand how it was easy to rationalise is to understand how adamant the fandom was/ is that Josh and joe are just beards, Karlie is locked in a contract, and taylor is trying to free the both of them. If there were any truth to this at all, it is nothing short of ghastly situation for Karlie and paints taylor as a Nobel warrior trying to save her princess from the tower 🦸🏼‍♀️👸🏼 ....

Karlie had what I think was a scheduled post cause it was ad content , but otherwise was unusually silent on social media for a week + after the announcement. We thought they were grieving together.

——-

Now for Emily Poe. Ok so I really didn’t do my research - I thought Emily was only one or two years older than Taylor, so it never even occurred to me that the idea of that relationship would’ve been extremely predatory and badbadbadbad. I regret not doing my due dillihence when I was part of a fandom that consumed this theory. So Emily theories have been around since Taylor first had gay speculation. Part of this was because of some funny photos like that one where taylor is standing next to a truck that says “...gay Texan” and emily and a guy in the band I can’t think of his name were pointing to taylor and smirking. It’s a funny photo. I can see my dumb teenage self making similar jokes long before I knew my sexuality because LOOOOL GAY was a thing back then. There’s the video taylor made for Emily where she held up the “we love you emily” sign and she went to everyone she toured with including brad paisley to hold up the sign and make heart hands and just be extremely cute - platonic or romantic - both seem plausible - and cute as hell! The video was set to the dashboard confessional song ‘stolen’ which is basically just the lyric “you have stolen my heart” over and over again. This video got renewed interest when people went back and looked back at the you belong with me video. The idea of taylor and her make love interest holding these a4 sheets of paper with “I love you” written on them seemed familiar. The story of how YBWM came about was that Taylor heard her guitarist on the phone with his girlfriend and his gf was yelling at him for something seemingly insignificant/ the gf was painted out as high drama and her guitarist seemed miserable every time he spoke to her for a while. So Taylor had the idea of a song about a girl thinking her friends girlfriend is horrible, but turn it into a love story where the two friends get together - classic romantic comedy trope - she took the idea to Liz Rose and it was one of the last songs written for Fearless and specifically made to be upbeat and preppy because taylor thought the album was lacking that vibe. If you take the story Taylor said inspired the song and swap it from her male guitarist (who she also said she had no feelings for), and change it to her female fiddle player, the story behind the song can be the same, just tweaked to be hetwashed. Emily was a cheerleader and had a boyfriend when she toured with taylor, so it’s easy enough to take those things at surface value and think there was some truth to Emily. Also the two biggest gaylor rumours pre swiftgron came from comments on a gossip site/ forum. One was that ‘Emily was fired after she was caught relieving taylor of stress’ and how ‘emily was interested in law, but this incident cemented she had to leave the band but the swift team gave her money so emily wouldn’t sue for being fired on a sexual harassment issue’ (of course, knowing the age difference, we know this would NOT be the case at all) and it is speculated it inspired taylor to write breathe because she was so sorry for how things ended. They were inseparable and then after her birthday, never seen together or mentioned each other on MySpace again.

The other comment was that taylor ‘was a pillow princess in high school’ and that she was happy to receive but not give because she wanted to maintain her virgin status and thought if she reciprocated it would make her gay — the comment was something like that.

Of course it would’ve been incredibly easy for idk, some random on the internet who has never even met taylor to say those things.... but it was taken as gospel by the gaylor truthers.

People who looked further found a girl they believed was Taylor’s high school gf, her name started with L... but I never really believed it so I don’t have the greatest knowledge of that one. It seemed ridiculous to me she had a 3 year gf as a teenager and not a single person from her high school - or anyone who knew her alleged gf - ever spoke about it publicly??? That would be a lot of NDAs and payouts to keep silent, but a lot of other people believed NDAs and hush money was spent, so yeah... 🤷‍♀️

She also had some fruity MySpace posts which seemed to help the case for gaylor, but imo, it also falls under the ‘teenagers on the internet are dumb especially when social media was brand new and thank god myspace doesn’t exist cause I don’t want to see my old one ever again’ category.

Sorry for the essay, I felt I had been summoned and wanted to give background on the fandom. When I log back in I think I need to change my bio, I’m not really here to talk kaylor , but the fandom. Cause it’s really sad what that narrative within the fandom has become and heartbreaking what that narrative has done to fans, especially queer kids trying to figure themselves out. I couldn’t see how toxic it was for a long time, I’m happy I’m out of there now. but I think it helps to understand how the fandom thought and saw things as to how easy it was for things to spiral to the state it’s in now.

As old T used to sign off, - lovelovelove 💜

Brilliant post thanks KH!

[gottlem]

the best type of chaos. (1/?)

a/n : here is the season 12 highschool au nobody asked for !!! there’s a few different ships going on, so you’ll have to keep reading to find out who ends up with who! 

summary: twelve teenagers at one dinner table may sound like a recipe for disaster. and maybe it is. but they girls love it and love each other, so who can really complain? it’s their junior year, and they’re ready to take it on together. (chapter 1, 2k words)

A group of 12 teenage girls at one dinner table in the cafeteria sounds like it would end in disaster, but for the past few years, The Gays Plus Gigi (as they had deemed themselves) have managed it quite well. It’s like they have their own little family - sometimes they fight, Dahlia usually being the one to start an argument, but they would always make up in no time. They make the most out of their lunch hour each day, allowing themselves to take a break from the often stressful school day. The group just worked together, each person a cog in the machine they had built up during their time at school. 

They would sit in the same seats at the same table each day, their routine hardly ever being broken. The only two girls who weren’t there everyday were Gigi and Nicky, both being ‘popular’ girls and sitting with their other friends most days. They both preferred their little family of twelve though, loving the ability to be authentically themselves.

-

The first day of school always seemed to bring up a different emotion in each student. On the first day of junior year, Crystal woke up early, her alarm marking the start of a new day. She wasn’t usually a morning person (not many students were) but sometimes she could appreciate the way the morning sun would shine brightly through her windows, brightening up her mood in the process. She was ready for the school year. She knew it would soon get stressful and something would absolutely go wrong at some point, but right now she was looking forward to another fresh start. 

Gigi hated the first day of school. She had a hard time letting go of summer, each year it seemed to get better, which meant reality came crashing back to her harder and harder each time. When she woke up, the only thing that could motivate her to leave her bed was the thought of seeing her friends again, even if she had seen them a million times over summer anyways. She could never get tired of them. Soon enough, she made herself a coffee and set off to Crystal’s house so they could walk together.

Crystal didn’t wait for Gigi to knock on her door, she swung it open the second Gigi arrived at her doorstep, quickly giving her a bone-crushing hug as a ‘hello’. 

“I’ve missed you so much Crys” Crystal giggled at the way Gigi’s breath tickled her neck, both of them staying in the tight hug.

“Gigi you saw me, like, three days ago” Gigi stepped back to look Crystal in the eyes.

“I know! I know, but it was summer then and now it’s not and we’ll still see eachother but it won’t be the same because now we’ll be worrying about school and we can’t just hang out. We’ll have like no spare time!”

“G. I will always have time for you. Now let's go, we can’t be late”

The walk to school took them the best part of half an hour - too long for Crystal’s liking, but at least it gave her time to chat with Gigi before the day gets too hectic. The girls walked side by side, shoulders bumping with every other step. The contact was not unwelcome. They had always been close, both emotionally and physically, not being scared to show any affection. They had even shared some friendly kisses from time to time. They were just pecks. And Gigi was straight anyways so it couldn’t mean anything, right?

Crystal couldn’t help but steal glances at the girl next to her on the way to school. She had always found Gigi beautiful. The way she walks, the way she talks. Crystal would never admit this aloud, not like it wasn’t already painfully obvious to everyone but Gigi, but she was in deep. It didn’t help that Gigi had started interrogating her on their walk.

“So how are things with your girlfriend? I feel like you haven’t mentioned her in like months. You’re not keeping something from me are you? You didn’t like, secretly elope over summer did you? That would be rude Crystal Elizabeth. Not inviting your best friend, horrible” Crystal knew she was joking, but she also knew she had to explain why she hadn’t mentioned her.

Crystal stopped walking. Gigi was right, she hadn’t mentioned her girlfriend in a while because she hadn’t even thought about her. She broke it off at the beginning of Summer, when she began to realise she had rising feelings for someone else. She wasn’t even that bothered by the break up, which was surprising because Crystal felt every emotion so strongly she would often get overwhelmed.

“We uh… we broke up. At the start of summer. I didn’t tell you? I thought I had.”

Crystal knew for a fact she hadn’t mentioned it to Gigi - the less she talks to her about her love-life, the better. She can’t have Gigi find out about her feelings for her. She knew she wasn’t the kind of girl to instantly assume every lesbian has a weird crush on her. She has been the most supportive of Crystals’ sexuality ever since she came out. A true ally. Hell, Gigi had joined her for pride a few times, and didn’t flinch when people assumed she wasn’t straight. Sometimes she would even forget to correct them. But still, no matter how cool Gigi was with her closest friend being gay, Crystal was terrified of exposing her feelings. She didn’t want to be the lesbian who crushes on her striaght best friend. She doesn’t want to make Gigi uncomfortable, especially with how close they can get at times. 

“You guys broke up?! Oh my god, do I need to kill her? Because I will. Are you ok? Because all summer you seemed to be ok and, I mean this with so much love, I kind of expected you to be a mess if things didn’t work out”

Crystal was at a loss for words. How could she even begin to explain this? ‘Yeah it didn’t work out because I’m kind of in love with you’ No. Absolutely not.

“Yeah um, I guess we both kinda lost feelings for eachother and decided we’d be better off as friends. I really am ok G, promise. Thanks for checking though. Anyways! Are you ok? I know you never really talked about your breakup much. That guy rubbed me the wrong way”

Gigi froze. There was a reason she didn’t necessarily want to talk about her breakup - especially with Crystal. But she didn’t even know if she could admit that to herself yet.

“Yeah I’m ok. I don’t wanna talk about it” Gigi cursed her voice for cracking at the end. Crystal’s face softened at her friend’s vulnerability and chose to respond by intertwining their fingers together and giving Gigi’s hand a squeeze. The action probably wasn’t good for either of them.

-

Jan and Jaida caught up that morning when they both visited their lockers, which were conveniently right next to each other. Both girls were stuffing their basketball kits into their locker, idly chatting about the yeah ahead of them. They had always enjoyed each other's company, and their friendship was built on trust and love - they trusted one another with their life. And their secrets. Which is why Jan wasn’t surprised when Jaida brought up Jackie.

“Ok, chile, what is up with you and Jackie? Y’all better sort yourselves out and get together this year or so help me God-”

“Oh my God Jaida! Shut up! You're being so loud what if she like, walks by and overhears you?”

“That would be great! Maybe one of you would finally actually acknowledge your feelings towards each other instead of staring at each other and drooling from across the table”

“I don’t drool. And neither does she! She doesn’t like me that way Jaida, just let it go”

Jans voice lost all enthusiasm in those last few words, and it set off alarm bells in Jaida’s mind. Sometimes she surprised herself with how well she could read the girl despite how happy she acted all the damn time. If this was getting to Jan of all people, it needed to be sorted out. She was quick to engulf the blonde in a tight hug, trying to convey that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen with Jackie, she would always be there for Jan. Always.

“It’s weird I talk to you about this. You’re technically my ex” Jan laughed as she stepped away from the hug, trying to hide the sadness in her voice.

“Maybe. But you’re my friend first. Besides, I think I am the best person to talk to about this because I have personal experience” She gave a comically over exaggerated wink, just to get her point across. 

About a year prior, the two had dated for a bit, being the only two out gay girls on the team, they figured it was how things should go. However, they quickly realised they were better as friends, though they couldn’t dent that they enjoyed their time together. Their ‘fling’ was short lived, and while they were both more than happy to stay friends, neither girl let the other forget what happened, taking any opportunity to poke fun at their past relationship. It was their own little way of preventing it from getting awkward - if they didn’t acknowledge it, it would get weird, so they opted for the odd joke. If they could laugh it off, it meant they didn’t take the whole situation too seriously. They didn’t want to make lunch awkward.

-

The first few lessons of the day passed painfully slow for everyone. Crystal spent most of her time sneaking looks at Gigi. Jan spent the day looking forward to the first basketball practise of the year. Dahlia managed to start two rumours by accident (both about herself, somehow). Brita and Aiden had already fallen out and made up twice before the end of third period. Rock M doodled through all her lessons, hoping the teachers wouldn’t call on her - most classes were doing start-of-the-year admit tasks anyways. 

When lunch rolled around for the first time that year, the girls found it easy to fall back into their usual routine. It was comforting really, having that one constant no matter how crazy school could get. Yeah, they might get loud, or they might fight, or fall out, but they all loved each other and made the chaos of high school so much more bearable (despite being chaotic themselves). The ten girls (Gigi and Nicky sat at another table for the day, but not without a quick hello at the beginning of the lunch hour) talked about everything under the sun, and eventually the topic of relationships came up. Crystal shied away, leaning back into her seat and hoping that she wouldn’t be asked about her love life. She was. 

“You have a girlfriend, right Crystal? What was her name again?”

“It doesn’t matter, we broke up at the start of summer and before you ask yes I am ok no you don’t need to ask any further questions ok thank you!”

Crystal’s attempt to stop any more questions was feeble, at best, and definitely didn’t work, because now she was being flooded with questions from nine other girls about if she’s really ok, and who broke up with who, why didn’t you tell any of us, are you still friends, did she break your heart, did you break her heart? She didn’t answer any of them. Until Dahlia piped up, somehow always being up to date on the drama (even if Crystal hadn’t told anyone)

“Does it have anything to do with your crush on Gigi?”

The table fell silent. Crystal turned red, but refused to acknowledge it - if she acted like the question was nothing, then it would seem like nothing. She took a deep breath.

“My what on who?”

“You heard me bitch! It’s obvious you like her”

Was it that obvious? She thought she hid it well. After all, she didn’t want anyone to know, especially Gigi herself. Thank God she wasn’t here.

“I don’t. She’s straight - I don’t fall for straight girls. There’s no point”

Crystal wished it was that easy.

[artificialqueens]

The Best Type of Chaos, 1/? (S12 Group Fic) - Lau

a/n- welcome the the s12 highschool au that nobody asked for but i’m writing anyway! this is my first time submitting anything here so i hope y'all like it (and i did it right) there will be plenty of ships so keep your eyes peeled!! 

summary - twelve teenagers at one dinner table may sound like a recipe for disaster. and maybe it is. but the girls love it and love each other, so who can really complain? it’s their junior year, and they’re ready to take it on together.

A group of 12 teenage girls at one dinner table in the cafeteria sounds like it would end in disaster, but for the past few years, The Gays Plus Gigi (as they had deemed themselves) have managed it quite well. It’s like they have their own little family - sometimes they fight, Dahlia usually being the one to start an argument, but they would always make up in no time. They make the most out of their lunch hour each day, allowing themselves to take a small break from the often stressful school day. The group just worked together, each person a cog in the machine they had built up during their time at school. 

They would sit in the same seats at the same table each day, their routine hardly ever being broken. The only two girls who weren’t there everyday were Gigi and Nicky, both being ‘popular’ girls and sitting with their other friends most days. They both preferred their little family of twelve though, loving the ability to be authentically themselves.

-

The first day of school always seemed to bring up a different emotion in each student. On the first day of junior year, Crystal woke up early, her alarm marking the start of a new day. She wasn’t usually a morning person (not many students were) but sometimes she could appreciate the way the morning sun would shine brightly throughher windows, brightening up her mood in the process. She was ready for the school year. She knew it would soon get stressful and something would absolutely go wrong at some point, but right now she was looking forward to another fresh start. 

Gigi hated the first day of school. She had a hard time letting go of summer, which seemed to only get better each year, meaning reality came crashing back to her harder and harder each time it ended. When she woke up, the only thing that could motivate her to leave her bed was the thought of seeing her friends again, even if she had seen them a million times over summer anyways. She could never get tired of them. Soon enough, she made herself a coffee and set off to Crystal’s house so they could walk together.

Crystal didn’t wait for Gigi to knock on her door, she swung it open the second Gigi arrived at her doorstep, quickly giving her a bone-crushing hug as a ‘hello’. 

“I’ve missed you so much Crys” Crystal giggled at the way Gigi’s breath tickled her neck, both of them refusing to leave the tight hug.

“Gigi you saw me, like, three days ago” Gigi stepped back to look Crystal in the eyes.

“I know! I know, but it was summer then and now it’s not and we’ll still see eachother but it won’t be the same because now we’ll be worrying about school and we can’t just hang out. We’ll have like no spare time!”

“G. I will always have time for you. Now let’s go, we can’t be late”

The walk to school took them the best part of half an hour - too long for Crystal’s liking, but at least it gave her time to chat with Gigi before the day got too hectic. The girls walked side by side, shoulders bumping with every other step. The contact was not unwelcome. They had always been close, both emotionally and physically, not being scared to show any affection. They had even shared some friendly kisses from time to time. They were just pecks. And Gigi was straight anyways so it couldn’t mean anything, right?

Crystal couldn’t help but steal glances at the girl next to her on the way to school. She had always found Gigi beautiful. The way she walks, the way she talks. Crystal would never admit this aloud, not like it wasn’t already painfully obvious to everyone but Gigi, but she was in deep. It didn’t help that Gigi had started interrogating her on their walk.

“So how are things with your girlfriend? I feel like you haven’t mentioned her in like months. You’re not keeping something from me are you? You didn’t like, secretly elope over summer did you? Because that would be rude Crystal Elizabeth. Not inviting your best friend, horrible” Crystal knew she was joking, but she also knew she did actually have to explain why she hadn’t mentioned her, Gigi was just using humour to get round it. Maybe to try to make it less awkward.

Crystal stopped walking. Gigi was right, she hadn’t mentioned her girlfriend in a while because she hadn’t even thought about her. She broke it off at the beginning of Summer, when she began to realise she had rising feelings for someone else. She wasn’t even that bothered by the break up, which was surprising because Crystal felt every emotion so strongly she would often get overwhelmed.

“We uh… we broke up. At the start of summer. I didn’t tell you? I thought I had. Funny.”

Crystal knew for a fact she hadn’t mentioned it to Gigi - the less she talks to her about her love-life, the better. She can’t have Gigi find out about her feelings for her. She knew she wasn’t the kind of girl to instantly assume every lesbian has a weird crush on her. She has been the most supportive of Crystals’ sexuality ever since she came out. A true ally. Hell, Gigi had joined her for pride a few times, and didn’t flinch when people assumed she wasn’t straight. Sometimes she would even forget to correct them. But still, no matter how cool Gigi was with her closest friend being gay, Crystal was terrified of exposing her feelings. She didn’t want to be the lesbian who crushes on her straight best friend. She doesn’t want to make Gigi uncomfortable, especially with how close they can get at times. 

“You guys broke up?! Oh my god, do I need to kill her? Because I will. Are you ok? Because all summer you seemed to be ok and, I mean this with so much love, I kind of expected you to be a mess if things didn’t work out…”

Crystal was at a loss for words. How could she even begin to explain this? ‘Yeah it didn’t work out because I’m kind of in love with my straight best friend. You.’ No. Absolutely not.

“Yeah um, I guess we both kinda lost feelings for eachother and decided we’d be better off as friends. I really am ok G, promise. Thanks for checking though. Anyways! Are you ok? I know you never really talked about your breakup much. I’ve gotta be honest, that guy totally rubbed me the wrong way”

Gigi’s mind suddenly went blank. There was a reason she didn’t necessarily want to talk about her breakup - especially with Crystal. But she didn’t know if she could even admit that to herself yet.

“Yeah I’m ok. I don’t wanna talk about it” Gigi cursed her voice for cracking at the end. Crystal’s face softened at her friend’s vulnerability and chose to respond by intertwining their fingers together and giving Gigi’s hand a squeeze. The action probably wasn’t good for either of them.

-

Jan and Jaida caught up that morning when they both visited their lockers, which were conveniently right next to each other. Both girls were stuffing their basketball kits into their locker, idly chatting about the year ahead of them. They had always enjoyed each other’s company, and their friendship was built on love - they trusted one another with their life. And their secrets. Which is why Jan wasn’t surprised when Jaida brought up Jackie.

“Ok, chile, what is up with you and Jackie? Y’all better sort yourselves out and get together this year or so help me God-”

“Oh my God Jaida! Shut up! You’re being so loud what if she like, walks by and overhears you?”

“That would be great! Maybe one of you would finally actually acknowledge your feelings towards each other instead of staring and drooling from across the table”

“I don’t drool. And neither does she! She doesn’t like me that way Jaida, just let it go”

Jans voice lost all enthusiasm, and it set off alarm bells in Jaida’s mind. Sometimes she surprised herself with how well she could read the girl despite how happy she acted all the damn time. If this was getting to Jan of all people, it needed to be sorted out. She was quick to engulf the blonde in a tight hug, trying to convey that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen with Jackie, she would always be there for Jan. Always.

“It’s weird I talk to you about this. You’re technically my ex” Jan laughed, void of any actual humour, as she stepped away from the hug, trying to hide the sadness in her voice.

“Maybe. But you’re my friend first. Besides, I think I am the best person to talk to about this because I have personal experience” She gave a comically over-exaggerated wink, just to get her point across. 

About a year prior, the two had dated for a bit, being the only two out gay girls on the team, they figured it was how things should go. However, they quickly realised they were better as friends, though they couldn’t deny that they enjoyed their time together. Their ‘fling’ was short lived, and while they were both more than happy to stay friends, neither girl let the other forget what happened, taking any opportunity to poke fun at their past relationship. It was their own little way of preventing anything from getting awkward - if they didn’t acknowledge it, it would get weird, so they opted for the odd joke. If they could laugh it off, it meant they didn’t take the whole situation too seriously. Besides, they didn’t want to make lunch awkward.

-

The first few lessons of the day passed painfully slow for everyone. Crystal spent most of her time sneaking looks at Gigi. Jan spent the day looking forward to the first basketball practise of the year. Dahlia managed to start two rumours by accident (both about herself, somehow). Brita and Aiden had already fallen out and made up twice before the end of third period. Rock M doodled through all her lessons, hoping the teachers wouldn’t call on her - most classes were doing start-of-the-year admit tasks anyways. 

When lunch rolled around for the first time that year, the girls found it easy to fall back into their well-loved routine. It was comforting really, having that one constant no matter how crazy school could get. Yeah, they might get loud, or they might fight, or fall out, but they all loved each other and made the chaos of high school so much more bearable (despite being chaotic themselves). The ten girls (Gigi and Nicky sat at another table for the day, but not without a quick hello at the beginning of the lunch hour) talked about everything under the sun, and eventually the topic of relationships came up. Crystal shied away, leaning back into her seat and hoping that she wouldn’t be asked about her love life. She was. 

“You have a girlfriend, right Crystal? What was her name again?”

“It doesn’t matter, we broke up at the start of summer and before you ask yes I am ok, no you don’t need to ask any further questions, ok thank you!”

Crystal’s attempt to stop any more questions was feeble, at best, and definitely didn’t work, because now she was being flooded with questions from nine other girls about if she’s really ok, who broke up with who, why didn’t you tell any of us, are you still friends, did she break your heart, oh my god did you break her heart? She didn’t answer any of them. Until Dahlia piped up, somehow always being up to date on the drama (even if Crystal hadn’t told anyone),

“Does it have anything to do with your crush on Gigi?”

The table fell silent. Crystal turned red, but refused to acknowledge it - if she acted like the question was nothing, then it would seem like nothing. She took a deep breath.

“My what on who?”

“You heard me bitch! It’s obvious you like her” Dahlia was laughing. Crystal didn’t think it was very funny. She looked over to the table where Gigi was sat, Gigi was already looking at her, smiling.

Was it that obvious? She thought she hid it well. After all, she didn’t want anyone to know, especially Gigi herself. Thank God she couldn’t hear this.

“I don’t. She’s straight - I don’t fall for straight girls. There’s no point”

Crystal wished it was that easy.

[frightenedofrabbits]

To Thine Own Self Be True

Summary: Billy grapples with the causes and effects of his alcohol addiction while celebrating one month of sobriety.

CW: References to past child abuse, mentions of alcohol addiction and recovery, brief use of the f***** slur in reference to one's self. Be safe and take care.

Word Count: 2940

Also available on A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541203

Billy sat quietly on the park bench outside the church where he was waiting to be picked up. Between his lips rested a lit cigarette that was supposed to be calming his nerves but was hardly effective at doing so. Instead, his mind continued to race with all the thoughts about how fucked up he was, how impossible it seemed to ever really change. Unconsciously, Billy gripped tightly onto the small metal coin in his hand, gripping it so hard that the smooth metal edge dug into the palm of his hand, hurting a little and then a lot. When the pain became too much Billy loosened his grip and  glanced down at the coin in his hand, it was a bronze color with the words ‘To Thine Own Self Be True’ etched into it. He’d just received the coin that night as he celebrated one month of sobriety. 

Billy’s mind raced with what this meant for him. He had made it one whole month without a drink. According to his sponsor this month was the hardest, it would get easier from now on, now that the withdrawal symptoms are mostly over. Billy recalled the sleepless nights, the headaches, the mood swings, and the overwhelming anger he’d cycled through this month. It had been horrible, he had been horrible. But now things were calming down a little. He could make it an hour or two at a time now without thinking about having a drink. He could trust himself to walk to the store without wandering towards the liquor store where the old man behind the counter would give him a nod as he bought bottles of cheap booze. 

But sobriety was not easy nor was it enjoyable. Billy hadn’t even thought he had a problem until that night over a month ago when he got pulled over for drunk driving and was arrested and given a DWI. Billy had driven while intoxicated so many times before, but this night he got caught. Getting arrested by the man who was like a father to him had finally started to awake Billy to the reality that he might have a problem. Then, the next day Hopper and Steve sat him down, and told him he needed to get help. It wasn’t an intervention nor an ultimatum, but it was a heavy suggestion from the two people he valued most in the world. Billy had tearfully agreed to give up drinking and it was from that day on that he hadn’t had a single drink of alcohol. 

Billy wanted to be proud of himself for receiving his 30-day chip, for making it this long without a drink. But his pride was overshadowed by all the negative thoughts racing through his mind. Drinking had been fun for him, he’d started drinking at a young age, going to parties and getting wasted was a way of life as a teenager. It wasn’t a problem because he was a good student, he kept his grades up and played sports. So what he spent his weekends getting so wasted he couldn’t remember most of what he’d done? It was just having fun so it was no big deal. After graduation Billy had gotten a job working for a local mechanic, he had the grades for college but not the money so he was still stuck here. But it wasn’t all bad, he had his boyfriend Steve and they had their own place on the edge of town. 

Except slowly but surely the drinking began creeping into the week. A drink right after work, turned into a whole twelve pack right after work. Eventually this led to a few beers before work which to be fair Billy knew was wrong. He knew it was bad enough to be drinking in the morning that he hid it from his boyfriend.  Going to work drunk had begun to create its own set of problems. Just a few days before his arrest, Billy had almost dropped a car onto himself because he’d been so out of it he almost pressed the wrong lever on the car jack. His boss had been standing right beside him and caught it in time but it was a close call. 

The first thirty days of his sobriety had been difficult and would certainly have not been successful without Steve’s constant presence and support. But his new sobriety left Billy with a lot to grapple and he began to realize the reasons he probably drank so much in the first place. The worst part of sobriety had been the near constant voice in his head, that of his father reminding him of what a piece of shit he was, how disgusting he was for being gay. Even though Billy hadn’t seen his father once in the three years since high school graduation, the legacy of his father’s abuse still lived with him. Now he was reminded of his father’s words every time he held onto Steve’s hand for comfort or laid his head on Steve’s lap while they watched TV.  He had his father’s voice calling him weak, calling him a faggot. He’d have to fight with himself to keep his hand in Steve’s and to keep his head on Steve’s lap where he felt so safe and comfortable. 

Billy began to realize one of the reasons he drank so much is because it dulled the memories and the pain of what his father inflicted on him. Every punch to the face, every kick to the rib, every horrible word his father had screamed in his face felt so much clearer now. The memories of his mother were clearer now too. The good came along with the bad. He could remember her beautiful golden curls and the smell of her perfume better. But he could also remember the fights and seeing his dad hurt his mom. Worst of all he could remember too clearly the day his mom killed herself, the day his dad found her hanging in the garage. Having to see the paramedics wheel her body down the driveway and to their vehicle in a black bag. 

Billy found himself unable to sleep much because of the memories and the way they assaulted both his waking and sleeping hours. He tried to hide his pain still, tried not to let Steve see him breakdown when it all became too much. But just last night, Steve had found him curled up and crying on the bathroom floor and finally Billy began to start opening up to Steve about his mom. About the reason they’d even moved to Indiana in the first place because he kissed a boy and his dad found out and broke several of his bones. Billy knew he needed to open up about his past more and he knew both Steve and Hopper wanted to help him but it was easier said than done. 

He’d been alone for so much of his life, alone with his pain and heartbreak. He was always so alone with anger and fear and his only outlet had been to lash out at others, to spread his pain around so he wasn’t the only one with it. But then he’d found Steve, he’d wisened up enough to apologize to Steve and having someone around who genuinely cared had helped him so much. But love couldn’t fix all the demons that lived within Billy and he was just starting to realize he had a lot more work to do. 

When Billy thought back to the night of his arrest it was mostly a blur. He had been a 12-pack deep by the time Jim Hopper pulled him over so any memories he had were fuzzy at best. But he remembered the feeling of sobering up in the jail cell, of looking out and seeing Hopper looking at him with sadness and disappointment. Waves of shame had rolled over Billy as he realized the gravity of his mistake. Hopper had been there for him since high school, since that time when his dad went too far. It was thanks to Hopper that the last half of his senior year was injury free and Hopper had even rented his old single wide trailer to him and Steve after they graduated. Hopper was someone Billy looked up to and wanted to be like and it was in the moment that he sat looking out of a jail cell that he knew he’d let the man down. 

Billy had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard or seen the Beemer park in front of him. It wasn’t until he heard his name yelled that Billy looked up and saw his boyfriend waiting for him. Billy rose from the bench where he sat in front of the Grace Emmanuel Church, the basement of which his AA meetings were held. Steve was smiling softly, his brown hair tousled gently in the soft summer wind and his face aglow from the golden light of the setting sun. Billy held his breath for a moment as he gazed upon perfection. His chest panged with a moment of doubt, doubt that he deserved someone so perfect while he was so fucked up. Steve was good, easily the most kind hearted person he knew. Billy wrestled with his own selfish desire to love Steve and what his mind reasoned was the right thing to do and let him go so he could be with someone more worthy. 

Billy tried to shake the thoughts from his mind as he walked forward and went to the passenger side door of the Beemer. His Camaro sat idle in their driveway at home as his license was suspended for the next five months. As soon as Billy sat in the car Steve leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “Hey baby, how was your meeting today?” Steve asked in a gentle and interested voice. 

Billy shrugged noncommittally. “It was fine, I got this,” Billy said as he held up the thirty day chip to show Steve. 

Steve’s smile grew larger as he took in the bronze colored metal chip that signified the 30 days Billy had been sober. “Wow babe, I am so freaking proud of you. I know how hard it’s been but you’ve stuck with it.”

Billy felt slightly embarrassed by Steve’s praise. Part of him was happy to be recognized for his efforts because it had been really fucking difficult. But another part of him felt ashamed to be in this position in the first place, the only reason he was here and getting this chip was because he was so fucked up. 

“Thanks Steve,” Billy muttered quietly as he kept his other thoughts to himself. They were quiet during the drive home, the only sound in the car was the Led Zeppelin cassette Billy had bought for Steve when they first started dating playing gently in the background. Billy let his mind wander as the music and the gentle pressure of Steve’s hand resting on his thigh helped to ease his racing mind. Finally Steve pulled up to the single wide trailer that was their home. The two of them were saving up money to move, but it was slow going. 

Billy followed Steve into the house, all the while clutching the coin in his hand. Once inside, Steve spun around and pulled Billy into an embrace, one which Billy melted into. Steve was and always would be his happy place. “So proud of you baby.” Steve muttered into Billy’s ear once again before moving to plant a sweet and gentle kiss on his lips. They parted but Steve still had his arm wrapped around Billy’s waist as they moved to their small and cluttered kitchen. Steve loved to cook but wasn’t always the best at it, but he practiced a lot and was genuinely improving. Billy only had to pat his slightly pudgier midsection to appreciate how far Steve had come. Gone were his days of being a high school athlete, the lean muscle of his younger years had faded fast once he was no longer playing basketball. 

Billy let himself be led to the kitchen and was surprised to see a chocolate cake sitting in the middle of the table. Steve led him over to the cake and Billy stopped when he saw it. “Surprise!” Steve shouted, a smile spreading across his face as he watched Billy take in the sight. On top of the cake in sloppy white writing it read ‘Happy 30 Days Sober’. Billy couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the cake. 

“Steve you shouldn’t have,” Billy muttered shyly.

“I wanted to surprise you and celebrate your accomplishment. You amaze me everyday with your strength and dedication and I just always want you to know that I see it. I see your struggle and your perseverance and I love you more because of it.”

Billy felt like he might just cry upon hearing Steve’s words to him. He fought back the tears but let out a small chuckle. “No babe, you really shouldn’t have,” Billy said as he patted his stomach. “I don’t really need anymore cake babe.”

Steve swung around so he was facing Billy once again, this time his expression a little darker. “You’re still the single most sexy man I’ve ever seen in my life and you always will be. You’ll definitely be just as sexy to me after you eat some of the delicious cake that I made you.” Billy swallowed, suddenly feeling a little turned on by the way Steve was looking at him and Billy let any worry about his physique melt away. The two turned back to look at the cake and that’s when Billy saw an envelope sitting on the table next to the cake. 

“Did you get me a card babe?” Billy asked as he reached for the white envelope. “No,” Steve said as he shook his head. “Max dropped it off earlier. She wanted to give it to you herself but she has to study for a big exam tomorrow so she just left it with me.” 

Billy tore the envelope open and inside was a card with a cute little orange kitten on it. Inside the card Max had written about how proud of him she was and that she loved him and was happy to have him as her brother. This time Billy couldn’t hold back the few tears that streamed down his cheeks.”Fuck,” Billy muttered as he swiped at the tears frantically, he still held so much shame about being a boy who cried. He tried to remember that it was normal to cry and it didn’t make him weak but his father’s voice still lived within him, taunting. 

Steve wrapped Billy up in his arms and held him as Billy cried. He cried for the little boy he’d been. The boy whose mom killed herself, the boy who realized he liked other boys, the boy whose father hit him, the angry boy, the sad boy, the anxious boy, the self-doubting boy. He cried for the man he had become. The man who was surrounded by love but still damaged by his past. The man who was trying so hard to fix his life and be someone worthy of the love and affection of those around him. It was all so difficult but he only had to realize he was wrapped in the arms of the man he loved to remember that he wasn’t doing this alone. He only had to look forward at the polaroid images that littered their refrigerator where he saw a photo of him and Hopper shoveling his car out of the snow last winter. He saw the photo of him and Max wearing matching Santa hats, her smiling and him grimacing. He saw the photo of him and Dustin mid-argument during a game of Dungeons and Dragons, with Steve sitting behind the two of them looking bored out of his mind. These were the photos of his family, of the people who loved him and supported him. 

Billy’s tears finally dried and the heaviness that had been in his heart eased up a bit. Steve still held him but slowly Billy was able to pull away. “I love you so fucking much Steve, wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.”

Steve smiled gently, “It’s a good thing you never have to be without me. I love you Billy, so so so much.”

Billy smiled and pushed away the thoughts of doubt that tried to creep in. He let himself enjoy a sense of calm as he watched Steve cut them both a much too big slice of cake and pour them each a glass of milk. The two ate their cake and made easy conversation about their day as they ate. As Steve talked about one of the kids he watched at the daycare center Billy looked down at the bronze coin which rested on the table beside his plate. He took in the etched triangle design and the giant number 1 inside of it. He had made it 30 days and all he had to do was take it one day at a time. It was in that moment as he took the last bite of delicious chocolate cake and listened to the love of his life talk that Billy finally felt some assurance that he could do it. There would be more coins in his future, for the first time in a month, Billy finally felt like he could make it.

[yououghtaknow]

15 + 24?

hi!! thank you so much <3

15. introduce us to your version of william

oh BABY!!!!

okay. so. the thing about william is i have always hated him. as someone who has been in a manipulative situation similar to noorhelm, just hated the man. so, i decided to create a new man. a good man. complex, but good.

enter JAMES ABRAHAM COHEN!!!!! he’s introduced to the song teenagers by mcr and is wearing a trenchcoat over his school uniform, not only because he’s edgy, but because he’s cold because he immigrated to the uk from the middle east. he is, at the beginning, a manwhore, yes. but he’s a party boy, a guitar boy, who rori sees and thinks Yes. My Future Husband. meanwhile he’s just having a drinking contest with his Boys and then talking about his favourite comic book character. he’s not a bad boy TM. he’s a Dumb Teenage Boy.

he's a genuinely nice guy. he apologises to rori as many times as he can, and only stops because she asks him to, and they become friends. he falls madly in love with liz as soon as she starts roasting him. he’s just an Understanding guy who’s made mistakes and is always trying to get better and be there for his friends. he literally let jake live in his flat for a good while. 

and, my favourite thing about james is that he forced his friends to audition for a production of grease with him to see the girl he Loves So Much and ends up getting the lead role???? TWICE???? this man is danny zuko and roger davis. 

also, in my personal opinion, i think james is kind of a superior arthur skamfrance. both have a disability (arthur is hard of hearing, james has autism/adhd), both have abusive family, both are in a love triangle with two beautiful girls (one of whom is a wlw chris b). and also a surprise member of the boy squad starting in season 3. 

also, in a way, my william is a william/jonas/eskild combination??? which is very fun. i just love taking all these different skam dynamic, cutting them up and throwing them in a pot and seeing what looks nice.

also, ONE LAST THING, i think my william has the most reasonable reason to go to london. as it is an hour away from brighton by train and he can come back before the day’s over. because he’s a teenage boy. and we will be seeing a lot more of james in season 5. get ready for it.

24. tell us about a ship that is endgame.

i’m going to be real with you all on tumblr dot com on this night. i honestly don’t know what romantic ships are going to be endgame, because i plan the seasons i’m writing as i’m writing them, so i only have the vague framework of what i want for the endgame of skambr as a whole. so i’m just going to talk about the 3 main romantic ships that are canon as of the end of season 4. and i’m gonna Go Off.

esther/sandy:

OKAY. taking sandy’s story as a whole. she’s kissed her best girl friend. she started dating a guy she doesn’t like. she’s desperate for something new to come along. and esther has just moved back from germany. she just wants to meet someone to talk to because she’s so lonely. and boom. they run into each other one night by chance and it’s “oh my god she’s so pretty” at first sight. and then they start talking and become friends so quickly (and esther introduces sandy to the keysmash). also, nooreva should’ve been canon. i have rectified that.

but god. the way they have their conversation in s1 e4 and almost kiss but get interrupted by sophie??? god. and when they actually kiss in s1 e6 and suddenly everything’s Good until they get caught. and sandy Runs because what else can she do? she’s terrified. and esther stays. and when they see each other again, esther doesn’t say anything because she knows sandy can’t talk about it. until sandy gets outed and attacked by the football team, and esther instantly goes to protect her and puts her own feelings aside to make sure sandy’s okay. and sandy just Needed a safe place to land like esther for so long. and when they finally kiss at the christmas fair as “girls like girls” plays????? god.

and their relationship in all of the later seasons GOD. i love them. their fight and reconciliation in season 2. them just being together casually, with sandy healing from her past and learning to truly love herself, and esther opening up and having someone there to comfort her when she needs it. and the fact that they’re still friends throughout it all, because it;s not just friends to lovers. it’s friends to friends AND lovers. also when esther sang “boy problems” by crj at sandy..... ICONIC

liz/james:

GOD. okay these two are really one of my favourite dynamics i’ve ever written. because they start as “oh you’re the annoying guy my best friend’s got a crush on”. and go to “oh you’re the ASSHOLE who broke my friend’s heart”. to “oh she may have forgiven you, but i Have Not”. and james is just like “I Am Being So Nice And She Still Hates Me”. but then we see liz seeing james’s art piece at the end of s2 e1. and she connects with it so deeply. and then they have their first real conversation in the next episode and they have a lot in common. they get each other. and he sings “perfect for you” from n2n to her. and she gets so overwhelmed by the fact that her mind might be changing that she just Runs Away.

and then we get the sleepover scene and GOD. one of my favourite scenes to write. james being a good cook??? james smoking out the window and liz making fun of his guitar. and then liz beginning to play james’s brother’s piano and james making it a duet as they sing “falling slowly” from once together. and then they share a bed and instead of saying something creepy, james just says “i think we might be becoming friends”. and she texts him immediately after the prank on the holiday episode. and their first kiss. GOD. with him always calling her elizabeth and the pride and prejudice parallels and “bad idea” from waitress...... and then them spending the next day together. also, in the first kiss clip liz says that she “hates one direction”, and in the next morning clip, one direction plays as she walks with james. it’s a metaphor baby!!!!!1

and their whole political dynamic GOD. it’s actually based a lot on how my politics have changed from when i was 14, beginning to write the series, and now. with going from the centrist-liberal ideas of “all violence is bad :) racism isn’t that bad guys :)” to liz using her privilege as a rich white girl to fully bail james out of jail for assaulting the man who’s been racially harrassing him for months. and the scene where liz has her meltdown at school and james takes her home, puts her to bed, and sings her to sleep. AND THE SCENE WHERE HE COMES OUT TO HER AS TRANS GOD. also them just being nice in the background of season 3 and 4. delightful.

bree/rori:

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVOURITES TOO GOD. their DYNAMIC in the scene where bree is introduced and rori is all starry eyed over her and bree will already do Anything for her. it’s about the “i want to be her friend so bad” kind of crushes. and bree and rori getting closer and closer as the season goes on, and they get the “i bet i can make you horny” scene because i just think it’s really fun.

and GOD. the evilde plot in skam og makes me. so Mad. but here...... it’s about the internalised homophobia. it’s about the wanting one good movie kiss. it’s about the them making out to one direction in the middle of a school event. AND THEM DOING THE PRANK TOGETHER ON THE EASTER HOLIDAY EPISODE. QUEEN SHIT! and the scene where bree is drunk and talking to liz about how it feels to be in love...... that was about rori!!!! and when they played sandy and rizzo in grease together. the homoeroticism, the best friendship.

and in season 3 when nick and rori get together and bree is just standing there, jake talking to her and she looks into the camera...... god. and SEASON FOUR RORIANNA. WHICH IS THEIR SHIP NAME IN MY HEAD. GOD. them just being best friends and bree being silently in love with her because she’s happy that rori is happy with nick (who is also her friend). the scene where they “practise kissing” because rori is scared to kiss a girl onstage (we love internalised homophobia), and how bree also ignores it because she’s scared of conflict. and they’re always so there for each other. rori being there to support bree so hard when bree’s at her lowest point. bree being there for rori and ready to fight for her. bree going from waking up next to josh, to waking up alone, to waking up next to rori. them going from slow dancing to daylight by taylor swift to laughing and dancing on a crowded stage in la vie boheme.

quite genuinely? they have it all. evilde. sana/chris b. eva/chris b. noora/chris b. noora/vilde. it’s about girls supporting girls and also them kind of being cut from the same cloth as sandy/esther. one of them having internalised homophobia and running away from the kiss, and the other silently loving them until they get a yes or a no. 

anyways every relationship i write is about having clear consent and respect for your partner at all times. and also about friends to lovers. and also the tenderness of musical theatre couples. oh shit now i want to talk about jake/al. well. this is my tumblr blog and you all have to deal with me.

jake/al: jake and al are currently Not Together as of skam brighton season 4 but god. i love writing their relationship so much. it’s about them meeting when al is in a manic episode and jake is deep in his depression and grief. about the nothing and the everything. it’s about the jason and peter secret gay lovers, the tony and maria falling in love on the balcony and having their first kiss at a pretend wedding, the romeo and juliet whirlwind romance that ends in tragedy. it’s about the bright orpheus al with his music and his bright life and sad, bitter jake, hating everything about himself and holding his own, but then falling in love and finding a way to build himself a new life, while al is falling down into a deep depressive episode. and then jake picks al up and gives him the tools he needs to help him step back from the ledge. and then al, who’s spent the entire season chasing after jake and the joy he gives him, turns around and walks away to better himself. and jake is okay with it, because he also needs time on his own to get better, and they agree to stay close friends, and they do!!! it’s about the gay experience of falling madly in love and then going back to be friends.

[letemporaire]

I don’t know if any of my 3 followers are going to read this but i need to put my thoughts somewhere, so here I go. 

I’ve been absent from here for a while now, things have been really difficult for me recently, mentally. I spend a huge part of my life trying to run away from things, because it was easier than to face my life and who I really am. When Notre-Dame burned, it was painful for me because I remember sitting in front of it once and thinking that she was still here after all these years, after the wars, she was still here and she was only made of stone and wood and it was really amazing for me to think. So easy to destruct but still standing, I identified myself to it, half unconsciously, because I was still alive after all the things that happened to me. And when it collapsed I was already in a bad place and it was like « the cherry on the cake » you know ? If I couldn’t believe in stones ? In rocks ? Than what’s the point ? My life was a mess on so many levels, I was lying to me about who I was and Notre-Dame burning down felt like I was breaking down, it was the physical representation of how I felt. I know that a lot of other things absolutely worse than just buildings are happening in the word, but this one was so close to me, not geographically, but psychologically, so that’s why I was too emotional and probably stupid. I am really sorry about that, a lot of people were upset. I took a break from here because it wasn’t healthy for me to keep pretending, I was tired, so tired of faking it. I deleted twitter, Tumblr and almost every other social media, I locked myself in my apartment. At some point, people took me out of my nook. Things are a little bit better for me now, because I know who I am, and I am not scared of it anymore. My path isn’t going to be easy, it’s not over yet, but I already did the hardest part I believe, and I am willing to get the help I need. 

Most, if not all, of my life was spend in fear not be believed, when I first talked about my sexual abuse, people belittled it, told me that it was not that bad, that I shouldn’t feel the way I felt (a.k.a traumatised). Later, when I came out as a lesbian, people didn’t believed me either. The two most important conversations that I could possibly have during my teenage years were wiped away like spilled water on a glass table. I understood that it was better not to be that way, not to be traumatised and not to be gay. I grew up and I really tried not to be, I slowly began to ignore those parts of myself, but you can’t ignore the gay away, you know ? I was so sad and so alone. It’s pride month, and I am now happy to be who I am, I heard that there’s no other way to be, so be it. Being gay is okay, and who care if they don’t believe you ? There is no such thing as « looking straight ». And if you were traumatised by something, don’t let other people tell you that you shouldn’t, were they here while it happened ? If you are the victim in a story, don’t let people tell you what you should have done, people do what they can with what they have, and some people don’t have a lot of weapons to start with. 

Anyway, if I want to be fully who I am, who I want to be, I need to start over everything in my life, it start with small things like clothing, habits and social media, so I am going to go to another blog : vaudevillianpersona if you want to see me here ? My content will be pretty much the same, I hope you’re having a really good day, I love you, take care, stay hydrated and feel free to contact me if you need anything ♥

With love,

Marnie Kellergan 

[early-sxnsets]

Don’t @ Me

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43092371

Chapter 1/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 3118

Fic Summary: Teenage life is hard enough, but with the added weight of their lives, both Simon and Baz thrive online in a fandom for the British crime show, Gastrell, about the genius Huxley and his "flatmate" Sam. Through Tumblr, they find each other, and sink into something more than just being mutuals.

Chapter Summary: A shitpost is taken a little too personally, and an argument breaks out. In true Baz fashion, he seeks to prove himself right in the most ridiculous way possible.

BAZ

Morning routines are the most menial shit in the realm of existence of arbitrary tasks.

Everyone seems to have them, yet nobody really has a set one. For example, my step-mum has a long, seemingly pointless hour of simply facial cleansers, serums, and hair products. When I’d asked her years ago why she does it all, she shook her head and said “You’ll never be an aging woman, Basilton.”

I couldn’t quite argue with that.

Regardless, it’s a part of life. The routines. Wake up, morning routine, morning activity, eat, afternoon activity, usually afternoon snack, evening activity, dinner, night-time activity, sleep.

A boring, underwhelming cycle of the day.

Although, I suppose it’s shittier for me, since the homeschooling doesn’t give me a chance to do much besides sit and read. Of course, I have my car and I can drive off to whatever. Hell, father even suggested I get a job to occupy myself, but I don’t quite see the point given how much money we have (and the risk factors with moving around so frequently).

So, here I am. Finishing my classes in a matter of months, then having an entire year of pointless bullshit.

Needless to say, my entire day’s routine isn’t the most thrilling. Wake up at 10 on a good day, check social media and emails, then just lay here until I can’t wait to piss. Piss. Go to eat breakfast and get greeted by screaming children and my poor step-mum trying to wrangle them in. Go upstairs, go back online, see whatever’s on my dash, reblog some shit, then try to do something vaguely productive. Check Archive, check email again. Nothing’s on the emails, ever. Text Dev and Niall, who get awfully pissed since they are in school. Get more food. Eat. Bring tea upstairs, despite the disdained look from our maid (who hates collecting my piles of mugs). Write for a couple hours. Take an afternoon nap, if I please. Wake up and sit there (again). Maybe lonely wank. Go back to the bathroom, stare at myself in the mirror for a good few minutes. Sit on the toilet for half an hour for no reason besides the fact that my phone seems more interesting while sitting there as compared to sitting in bed. Sit then on the bathroom floor doing the same thing. Go back to my bed, listen to music on my phone and work on my laptop. Write, maybe scroll. Get dinner brought to me as they tut that I should be more active. Eat. Go downstairs for an evening workout (they’re right, I shouldn’t confine myself to my bed). Come back, do exactly what I do for half the day until I pass out somewhere around 3 am. Repeat.

Dream life for an 17 year old. Social life of a god.

Somewhat.

It’s shit to say (and sort of embarrassing to share) that there’s sort of a social media presence around me. Not quite the Instagram model bullshit, but based around fan life.

Yes, it’s a laughing stock. That’s where my popularity lies--a mixed grab-bag of various ages gathering around various platforms to enthuse about certain topics. And I’m somehow lucky enough to have the slightest bit of popularity here.

As in, a large following. A large, somehow active following.

It isn’t exactly thrilling as one would like to think. Sure, it’s fun to see a scattered group of regulars pop up, and I have my mutuals, but it’s a sad existence to sit around and make various shitposts with nothing better to occupy my mind. Or, at least, that’s what Dev and Niall tell me.

All in all, I blame Fiona. She’s the one who got me into the show, saying she thought the character was a bit like me. After I saw it, I found the three connections she’d grasped at.

Gay, dark-haired, and violinist.

As if that’s a rarity.

Yet, surely enough, I did love it. The cinematography, the characters, the storyline. It was intriguing--captivating.

It doesn’t hurt that the online community was still on the smaller side when I first got there. The show was only a season in when I made my blog, and I’ve stuck through all this bullshit to get me here. One of the regulars. Reposted everywhere, uncredited usually. Big fics, large interactions. Shitposts with thousands upon thousands of notes. I’m recognizable; a suggested name.

Don’t get me wrong, the attention is spectacular. I love interacting with people beyond this depressing household, and they’re usually fairly nice (usually) (except those ravenous for an argument). It’s just awkward to share at times when people ask why your mobile’s got 99+ symbols next to the apps and you just shrug and say “I’m shit at checking it” to avoid the conversation because most people see it as childish.

It’s a shame, really. Especially since I feel emotionally attached to these goddamn fictional fuckers.

I suppose that’s what makes it all the more personal, then. Even the shitposts mean something to me.

Which is what makes this is a long, winded way of saying fuck whoever’s arguing with me about whether or not Huxley is a fucking Ravenclaw. (He is. Hands down.) How’d I get here, staring at my mobile in disbelief at a brief back and forth post turned fight? Because it feels like a reasonable question to wonder.

I got here because, as almost all mornings, I woke up, opened my phone, read my notifs, then sat here, thinking of something. Anything. Then, in a tired haze, typed out a single text post on tumblr.

huxley gastrell is a ravenclaw send tweet

Following so, I went about my typical morning. Of course. Then--then--I check my phone as I’m going downstairs and I see it. I see the “@bi-sammy mentioned you in a post!” notif, then read the God-forsaken reblog.

@gaystrell op do you take criticism on your posts?

I frowned at my phone, typing out a quick response before tucking it back into my pocket.

@bi-sammy no.

What I hadn’t anticipated, though, was the reply I’d open up to soon after I’d started poking at my morning meal.

@gaystrell well too bad bc ur WRONG and ur opinions are UGLY

#he’s clearly a slytherin this is slytherin oppression #don’t tell me he and bryonie aren’t from a slytherin family

Now I sit, staring and completely awestruck at such a post. Now, I won’t deny Bryonie Gastrell is definitely, in all possible ways, a Slytherin. Cunning and ambitious as fuck, as any political spy may be, but fuck anyone who tries to dismiss Huxley’s clear Ravenclaw leanings.

It takes me a moment to fully process, mouth robotically chewing my eggs as I contemplate my answer.

@bi-sammy there is absolutely no proof of huxley being a slytherin and more than enough support towards him being a ravenclaw. get your clueless negativity off my blog, you utter tit.

With that, I settle my phone face down onto my table and try to enjoy my lovely plate of scrambled eggs, barely ignoring the boiling of my blood.

SIMON

My phone lights up with the new notification, dragging my attention away from my laptop as the words slide down onto the screen. “@gaystrell mentioned you in a post!” I hate to admit that I get a little pattering in my heart, urging my hand out to grasp the mobile as I pause the Youtube video currently playing. As I read his words, I slowly blink out of my excitement.

Tit. He called me a bloody tit.

Of course this fucking wanker called me a tit.

He must think that since he’s this big bad blogger, he can call me a tit right out in the open. (Although, he is talking to me, so that’s a plus) (No! No no no, bad validation, Simon. Bad). What, with his thousands of followers and fans of his own, he thinks he can try to say shit out in the open?

Fuck it. He’s either getting a DM or a bloody fist fight from me. I’ll take a train to wherever the fuck he lives (which is somewhere in England, since that’s what his bio says) (and his aunt lives in London, since he’s posted about visiting her) (I really do wonder where he’s from and how close he might be--what if I run into him one day?) (No wait fuck I don’t want that anymore).

Clicking on his blog, the little person drop down gives me the option of a message. I barely think as I type it out, vision going spotty from the adrenaline of the twinging anger.

bi-sammy: i swear to god there was no point to the battle of hogwarts if you’re just going to go around and absolutely slander the slytherin name and dare say that huxley is not one of them and, rather, is a ravenclaw

At first, I grin at it, watching my lone message appear into the empty chat. It’s so freeing--so powerful to send it. I pride myself, in the moment, for this solid move of communication. Of course I’m fucking proud. I messaged the arse myself and gave him a space to fight.

Maybe Penny’s right, I should dial down the confrontation, but it’s just the internet. Nothing important happens through a stupid little argument over Huxley’s true Hogwarts house (although, I’m sure I know I’m right in my heart), but it is a bit of fun to fuck around with someone. It’s a distraction. And that’s why I’m here, afterall. To have a distraction.

Penny thinks it’s a bit silly, but she doesn’t really complain. All she’s ever said was  “I thought we left fandom stuff behind us when we were 14.” She said it over lunch, watching me scroll through my at-the-time new tumblr.

It’s funny, I thought I did leave it behind when I was younger. It seemed unneeded as life shifted. I’d just found a stable foster home, with someone who was going to keep me for a while. I found Penny a couple months before I deactivated my old account. I was happy; we were free. I didn’t need a venting place.

Shits been sort of hitting the fan recently, though. No uni plans, David’s been getting more controlling, and of course, Agatha dumping me. It all crashed on top of me a few months ago, and somehow, the only place that I could find healthy coping was online. So, I started fresh. Made a blog and settled in. It’s not big, but I’ve had a few posts get noticed. I have a good few hundred followers, and one nice anon who asks me how I am every few weeks. It’s not a lot, but it’s comforting.

I feel at home here, even with a little discourse.

Well, only when the discourse is answered. Which, in this situation, I don’t know if it will be, given it’s been over an hour now and Baz hasn’t answered.

If that’s even his name.

It’s what his bio says, at least.

baz. 17. cisguy (he/him). gay. don’t interact if you think huxley is remotely straight.

I’ve wondered for a while what Baz stands for. He refuses to answer it in asks; he always says it’s too personal. He’s sort of odd like that--never posts pictures of anything that could be linked back. Seems sort of creepy, but then again, a lot of people follow him. It’s reasonable to want space.

Maybe that’s why he’s not answering. He probably wants space of some sort, but it’d be at least decent to answer someone who tried to have a discussion (that’s at least what I’m calling that message I sent--a discussion starter).

I frown at my phone, keeping it on silent as I slide it into my front pocket and settle into my seat in maths. I’ll say it--I sulk in class, a little bitter that I don’t have his attention (despite the fact that he seems like he’s always active online, which seems odd). Eventually, I exhale and try to let it slip away. There went my one interaction with him. My few seconds of the weirdest fucking bliss online, gone.

Then, it happens. As the class is ending, I pull out my screen just enough to see and there it is. A clear notification telling me he’d answered. Oddly enough, it’s just him sending me a link to a Google Doc.

Weird.

I ignore it for the moment being, letting myself ride the wave of relaxation that I actually got a reply. It passes my mind until I’m sitting in the back of Agatha’s car, listening to Penny and Aggie in the front talking about whatever’s on their mind. The rides are sort of awkward as of recently. At least Agatha agreed to drive me home (it’s a good 45 minute walk, if not) after some convincing from Penny, but her and I don’t really chat. It’s just the two of them.

Given that time, I have a chance to pull out my mobile and thumb through what was sent.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/175qFASmqD7hey8lE0eoE-6VhhFYE9DP6bpnI32Aay98/edit?usp=sharing

I click on it, not expecting that much (or, really, not expecting anything at all). Yet, the second it pops up and loads, my jaw drops.

“Jesus fuck,” I say aloud, scrolling through it. Penny turns her head, frowning as I stay locked on my screen.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“No--no nothing,” I say, waving a hand. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s got to be something for that reaction,” she says, keeping turned in her seat as she eyes me up. “Just tell us, Si.”

“I mean it when I say it’s nothing.” My voice gets quieter as I shift, reading the title. “It’s just fandom stuff. It’s really nothing.”

I hear her disgruntled huff as she turns back, mumbling something about me reacting too dramatically to this. “It isn’t even real.” It’s said under her breath, yet it still rings clear in my ears.

It isn’t really fake, either.

Hell, this is six pages of real. “Why Huxley Gastrell is, Without a Doubt, a Ravenclaw”. Shared by Basilton Pitch (is that his actual name?!). Fucking hell, it’s detailed to no ends. You’d think, with this much writing, there’d be pages of pointless filler where he’d just type “im gay hi huxley is also a gay we’re all gay here aren’t we”, but no. It’s full, grammatically correct sentences detailing his points.

It’s a bit much to read in the car, so I settle my mobile face down onto the seat as I’m left reeling. That… was a bit more than I’d expected.

Shit, did he write that for me?

This isn’t real. This can’t be real.

BAZ

Whoever says that having a flair for the dramatics is pointless has clearly never met me, because I wouldn’t quite call this masterpiece of an essay “pointless”. In fact, I should send it to academics. Rename it “A Study In Multi-Dimensional Characters and their Associated Generalized Personality Traits”. I’ll be hailed as a genius, as I deserve to be.

I crack my knuckles, and see the little person pop up.

Surely enough, it’s @bi-sammy’s name that he has listed online, Simon. It’s curious, he has his last name listed as “Snow”. Although, the smallest part of me believes it’s a pseudonym. Given our interactions, I doubt he’s clever enough to think of a solid pseudonym. And, even at that, why pick Snow?

Either way, it’s surprisingly endearing. Simon Snow. Sounds sweet. Sounds innocent.

I watch his cursor turn on, then his icon goes grey after a few moments. My heart starts to trip, making my cheeks begin to flush. Is… he ignoring this?

No. He can’t be. I put in hard work and dedication into this work, and I deserve the respect I’d sent into it. Fucking hell, three fully developed points (his devotion to intellectual work, his effort to step out of public light for Sam’s sake, and his overall lack of ambition for moving forward). I clearly set it out, and ended it properly; I’d proven that Huxley is a Ravenclaw. Case and point, opinion made, the end.

And, here I sit, watching him have the audacity to open it up then close it back. That was my hard work put in there, and he closes it? Who in the name of all that is sacred thinks he’s that above other people to the point where he just ignores--

Oh. He’s back on. Nevermind.

He’s… probably a school student. It’s roughly the time that most classes end, I suppose.

I make a mental apology to him, despite having never ranted directly to him in the first place.

He stays active for a good bit; long enough to show he’s reading. I assume that he’d just close off and message me, but after minutes, I notice a little highlighted comment pop up on the last sentence.

Simon Snow i………. owe you every single possible apology

Each word makes me grin like I haven’t in a while. A wide, cheek-creasing grin. There’s something so sweet to that--so personal. It feels like a note passed to me in a classroom under the tables. Like a cute “Blink if you like me”, although I doubt he has quite an intention.

Nevertheless, it warms my chest, sending my head back as I smile. I’m not sure whether or not it’s the satisfaction of winning, or his words, but I laugh outwardly into the room. It stays with me, reverberating onto my skin and my throat.

I look back at the comment, then leave it untouched. If he won’t remove it, then I won’t either.

With a glance at our personal messages tab, I figure that’s that. Even field, no more argument. No more interaction. It’s a bit of a shame, given the effort I’d just extorted for his sake, that he hasn’t answered in our chat.

While I’m disappointed to close off the document, I smile at it one last time. Sometimes I have to move on from random people, especially when they come on a bit strong.

Except, I find, moments later that I’m wrong about one thing--the moving on. He didn’t just stop his interaction, but instead made a public post.

“@bi-sammy mentioned you in a post!”

This time, I really laugh. A full bellied, hand-covering-mouth laugh.

i guess i have to suck @gayhuxell’s cock now because i was wrong and the bloody arse was right. huxley is a ravenclaw.

#fuck me i guess

I take a minute, rereading over his words a few times before typing a simple answer with my reblog.

i’m available anytime behind a mcdonald’s parking lot

[huahsu]

YEAR OF THE GHOST DOG

[TL;DR version for the New Yorker -- I loved many great short songs and became obsessed with (1) a very old, much longer one (2) and YouTube comments this year.]  [links to previous year’s lists at the bottom]

A while back, I found myself in an extended funk. The reasons are uninteresting and honestly a bit dumb, a mix of everyday bummers and more existential stuff, all of which manifested in a kind of 360º sluggishness. I couldn’t really figure my way out of it but I believed that I would eventually stop feeling this way.

One night, I saw that someone online was selling a copy of the Emulations “These Are the Things,” a magnificent soul ballad 7″ out of Oakland. I wasn’t exactly homesick for the Bay Area, but something about the song’s roots, as well as its overwhelming feeling of optimistic yearning, resonated with (through?) me. There’s a moment when the singer’s falsetto peaks, and the piano starts cascading, and things feel like they’re going to work out after all. The copy for sale wasn’t in great shape, and it cost $100, an extravagant amount of money to spend on a piece of music. But I convinced myself that I’d feel better at some point, weeks, months, or years later, and I’d listen to my Emulations single, and recall that weird summer/fall.

As often happened with independently produced records of the sixties and seventies, “These Are the Things” was pressed on styrene, rather than vinyl. Styrene is a kind of plastic that’s lighter, cheaper and much more fragile than vinyl, and you can tell the difference by a kind of hollow plink when you put it on a turntable. Styrene also means that it has a limited life, and that each time the needle drags across its grooves, the record degrades a little bit. Over time, styrene records that get played a lot no longer sound as crisp or clear (or so it seems). I listened to it once it arrived, feeling a bit of regret at this wild expenditure, but also imagining my future self’s gratitude. I imagined entering into communion with everyone who had played this copy before me. I decided to only listen to the song once a year, if that--after all, each time I listened to the record, the song was changing, slightly.

A few months later, I felt normal (whatever that means) again, and the record became a marker of...I’m not sure what--maybe a kind of blind, stubborn optimism. Someone years later uploaded the song onto YouTube, which means I can listen to it whenever I want. This fall, I was trying and failing to spend less time on the Internet. But I decided that, instead of going on Twitter and Facebook, I would just read comments fans left on YouTube. I became obsessed with reading all the intimate histories people shared with one another--the chance encounters, the teenage dates and breakups, the seventies shop owners who recalled the days when stocking the right hit single could cover an entire month’s rent. I was listening to the Emulations when I noticed this comment, from Deric Jackson, who was apparently one of the group’s members: “I sung this song when I was 19yrs old. It was a pleasure to record and send this messageout into the airways. I have been with the women that God had given me to marry when I was 22yrs old. I did not understand at that time I was singing about my own life and the women who I had not met, but how wonderful it is to be with my wife fo 35yrs and life is still a breath of fresh air and wonderful. I would like to say to all real men love your wife, never worship her only one to worship is God alone.“ I’m pretty agnostic about most things relating to providence. But I felt as though I had been living in these words: “I did not understand at that time...” Jackson’s song was a prophecy, maybe even a conjuring, of his own path, and I wonder what he hears when he listens to it now. Sometimes you don’t know what’s coming next. But there’s always another song, and it doesn’t always sound the same as the last time.

(LATE 2017 BUT I REALLY DOUBT ANYONE NOTICED AKA THE FRENCH “MO BAMBA”) Junior Bvndo, “T’as ça #3 (Kylian Mbappe)”

I WILL LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT USES DISTORTION Sheck Wes, “Wanted” OR OLD SCHOOL STABS Santi feat. Shane Eagle and Amaarae, “Rapid Fire” EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I LIKE THINGS THAT SOUND MESSY AND SLOPPY BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECT Caleb Giles featuring Cleo Reed, “Name” WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AS GOOD AS IF IT HAD BEEN PERFECT, THE WARPED AND SMUDGED BEAUTY IS WHAT MAKES IT BEAUTIFUL Tirzah, Devotion Niagara, Apologia SAME, BUT SLIGHTLY OFF-STEP Blood Orange, “Charcoal Baby” THE BEST GENRE OF MUSIC REMAINS “SADE” Sade, “Flower of the Universe” and “The Big Unknown” Amber Mark, “Love is Stronger Than Pride” Bon Iver and Moses Sumney, “By Your Side” Kelela, “Like a Tattoo” 808s AND HEARTBREAK AND NEAR-OCTOGENERIANS Swamp Dogg, “She’s All Mind All Mind” I WASN’T AS ENAMORED WITH A LOT OF “NEW JAZZ” BUT DID LIKE Sam Wilkes, Wilkes Sam Gendel and Sam Wilkes, Music for Saxofone & Bass Guitar …WHICH REMINDED ME A BIT OF THIS FACEMELTING REISSUE (RIYL: ALICE COLTRANE, DON CHERRY, ETC ETC) John Tchicai, With Strings SPEAKING OF TERRIFIC JAZZ-ADJACENT STUFF Dos Santos, “Manos Anjenas” THE ORIGINAL “BIG MOOD” Okonkolo, Cantos THE YEAR I REALLY REKINDLED MY LOVE OF THE CELLO Clarice Jensen, For This From That Will Be Filled Oliver Coates, “A Church” …WHICH I DEFINITELY PREFER TO VIOLIN--ESP PIZZICATO--THOUGH THIS WAS QUITE GOOD Sudan Archives, “Nont for Sale” HARPS ALWAYS SOUND GOOD Leya, The Fool Meg Baird and Mary Lattimore, Ghost Forests ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR WOODBLOCKS AND VIBES Kate NV, для FOR AS WELL AS MIAMI BASS SIGNIFIERS (KICKSTARTER FOR CITY GIRLS TO RAP OVER DJ BATTLECAT IN 2019) City Girls, “Act Up” AND BANJO DRONE...WHY NOT Nathan Bowles, Plainly Mistaken ALBUMS THAT I LIKED IN 2018, AND THAT I SENSE I WILL LIKE EVEN MORE BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR Ben LaMarr Gay, Downtown Castles Can Never Block the Sun Neneh Cherry, Broken Politics AN ALBUM THAT I WISH WAS TEN ALBUMS Tierra Whack, Whack World AN ALBUM I WISH WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER Pusha-T, Daytona OF THE MANY REASONS I MOURN THE DEATH OF “THE ALBUM,” ONE IS THAT I ALWAYS LIKE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE DO WITH THAT LAST SONG YG, “Bomptown Finest” OR HOW ALBUMS, FULL OF SIGNS, ANGLES, FLEETING MOMENTS, CIRCULATE AND RE-CIRCULATE Angelique Kidjo, Remain in Light AND HOW THEY ARE LIKE WHAT NOVELS REPRESENTED IN THE AGE OF POETRY—OPPORTUNITIES TO LIVE INSIDE COMPLEXITY, SPACE, A DEMOS U.S. Girls, In a Poem Unlimited ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR WAS A SOUNDTRACK... Kendrick Lamar et al, Black Panther AND TEASER FOR  Jay Rock, Redemption AND ANOTHER WAS JUST SOME RAP SONGS Earl Sweatshirt, Some Rap Songs WHICH ISN’T TO SAY ARTISTS DON’T STILL VALUE AND HAVE FUN WITH THE FORMAT Vince Staples, FM A TWENTY-FIVE TRACK ADVENTURE INTO VIBES Pink Siifu, ensley AND SOMETIMES TWENTY MINUTES OR SO IS ENOUGH boygenius, boygenius ONE MORE ALBUM THING – FIRST SONGS HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE THESIS STATEMENTS, AND STREAMING HAS ONLY APPLIED MORE PRESSURE TO THE SOOTHING, BEWITCHING, PERFECT WELCOME Mac Miller, “Come Back to Earth” MAC MILLER AND THUNDERCAT LOOK SO HAPPY HERE whole thing, but esp six minutes in, and even more so about nine minutes in THE BEST VIBES Show Dem Camp feat. Boj and Ajebutter 22, “Damiloun” Koffee, “Toast” HAPPY-GO-LUCKY B/W DEVIL-MAY-CARE Shoreline Mafia, “Nun Major” I LIKE NEF AND EPs PERFECTLY SUIT HIM Nef the Pharaoh and 03 Greedo, Porter 2 Grape 

RAPPING AS FAST AS YOU CAN OVER FREESTYLE/HI-NRG WILL NEVER SOUND BAD TO ME… SOB X RBE, “Paid in Full” SOB X RBE, “Carpoolin’” …ALTHOUGH THEY ALSO SOUND SICK OVER FAKE GHOST DOG BEATS, TOO, THIS WAS ONE OF MY SONGS OF THE YEAR SOB X RBE, “Paramedic!” SAME WITH MEDHANE Medhane, “The Garden” TRIPPIE REDD PUTS OUT A LOT OF MUSIC FILLED WITH TRANSCENDENT MOMENTS, BUT RARELY MAKES TRANSCENDENT SONGS, AND IT PAINS ME A BIT THAT MY FAVORITE SONG OF HIS THIS YEAR WAS Diplo featuring Trippie Redd, “Wish” TRIPPY-ASS DOO-WOP Cuco, “Sunnyside” A STRONG HARMONY IS A VISION OF WHAT LIFE COULD BE Ben Pirani, “How Do I Talk to My Brother?” WHERE WERE U IN 94 Young Echo, Young Echo SWEAR I'VE NEVER HEARD MUSIC THIS “GREY” ManOnMars, ManOnMars IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A FAKE D’ANGELO SONG, IT SHOULD BE THIS GOOD Patrick Paige III, “Voodoo” LIKED THIS, BUT IT’S ALSO POSSIBLE TO BE A BIT TOO FAITHFUL TO THE PAST Teyana Taylor, “Hold On” NOT QUITE FAYE WONG DOING THE CRANBERRIES (RIP DOLORES O’RIORDAN) BUT STILL MEMORABLE Katherine Ho, “Yellow” LIKE THE BEST PARTS OF FEELS-ERA ANIMAL COLLECTIVE, BUT TAIWANESE Prairie WWWW

NEVER THOUGHT TO VISIT THE LOUVRE UNTIL The Carters, “Apeshit” video BROWN EXCELLENCE Humeysha, Departures "BROWN BEATS” FOREVER RIP Cameron Paul

MY FAVORITE DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR Pharoah Sanders playing “Kazuko” in a tunnel near the Marin Headlands LIKE NONE OF ITS INFLUENCES (FOOTWORK, AMBIENT), LIKE NOTHING ELSE OUT THERE, REALLY Foodman, Aru Otoko No Densetsu DARESAY SKI MASK WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BOOED OUT OF THE CIPHER Ski Mask the Slump God, Beware the Book of Eli THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON I’VE SEEN ON THE BIG SCREEN AT THE PAST THREE YEARS’ NETS GAMES IS Young M.A., “PettyWap” DEMOS FROM A GROUP I HAVE ALWAYS ADORED, BEFORE THEY FOUND THE SOUND THAT I ADORE The Nonce, 1990 EXTREMELY GOOD AND LARGELY OVERLOOKED REISSUE Suzanne Menzel, Goodbyes and Beginnings FOUR TET IS GOING THROUGH HIS LIVE ARCHIVES, AND IT’S A TREAT TO STUDY HIS ARC/EVOLUTION  Live at Hultsfred Festival, 18th June 2004 Live at LPR New York, 17th February 2010 Live in Tokyo, 1st December 2013 Live at Funkhaus Berlin, 10th May 2018 STRANGE TO LIVE IN A MOMENT WHERE BEING WEIRD SEEMS A BIT DERIVATIVE. STILL, THIS IS BLISSFUL SahBabii, “Anime World” HAPPY FACE Smino, “Klink” SAD FACE Drake, “In My Feelings” (especially this version) “JIM FROM THE OFFICE” FACE Pusha-T, “The Story of Adidon” STOLE YOUR FACE Sophie, “Faceshopping” FACE/OFF YG and Mozzy, “Too Brazy” Sammy Bananas feat Antony and Cleopatra, “Slow Down” Kode 9 and Burial, Fabriclive 100 GASSED FACE E-40 and B-Legit, “Whooped" ABSOLUTELY FACEMELTING Todd Barton and Ursula K. Le Guin, Music and Poetry of the Kesh VACATION AWAY MESSAGE SiR, “D’Evils” Bad Bunny x PJ Sin Suela x Nejo, “Cual Es Tu Plan” BEST OPENING DISCLAIMER TO A VIDEO 808INK, “Come Down” “TAGS: LATIN CHORAL CUMBIA GOTH LOS ANGELES” San Cha, “Cosmic Ways”

BEST USE OF “OOCHIE WALLY,” STILL ONE OF MY FAVORITE BEATS EVER Stefflon Don, “Oochie Wally freestyle” BEST USE OF “SUPERTHUG” Rico Nasty, “Countin’ Up” EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS--THE HEADBANG MINIMALISM, THE LAS VEGAS WALGREENS--BUT ESPECIALLY THE LINE ABOUT WELLS FARGO Rico Nasty, “Trust Issues” “ORGASM ADDICT” (RIP PETE SHELLEY) Victor Oladipo, “One Day” “I JUST TOOK A FLIGHT TO FRANCE TO COP CARDIGANS” Black Thought and Styles P, “Making a Murderer” “AT THE EMIRATES I MILLY ROCK” Manzo and Malachi Amour, “Lingard” DOPE TUNE, AND UNEXPECTED KELLYANNE CONWAY REFERENCE JPEGMAFIA, “1539 N. Calvert” YEAH YEAH YEAH (RIP MARK E SMITH) Travis Scott and Drake, “Sicko Mode” R-E-S-P-E-C-T (RIP ARETHA FRANKLIN) Rosalia, El Mal Querer REEL DEAL, “DRIPPIN’ DOPE (SAXAPELLA)” (1989) Gunna, “Top Off” WAMP WAMP (WHAT IT DO) B/W WAIT (THE WHISPER SONG) Vallee feat. Jeremih, “Womp Womp” SAD REGGAETON IS NOT BAD Bad Bunny, “Solo De Mi” SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, 2002-PRESENT Temani, “Power” Westerman, “Confirmation” REAL LIES, POET LAUREATS OF “YOUNG PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT BEING OLD” Tom Demac and Real Lies, “White Flowers” A SONG DESIGNED TO SOUND LIKE IT CAME OUT THIRTY YEARS AGO, WHICH ALSO FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT A MILLION YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JANUARY) Bruno Mars feat. Cardi B, “Finesse (remix)” TAY-K WAS JUST A YEAR AGO Comethazine, “Highriser” FAVORITE 2 BRIDGES MUSIC ARTS “MIGHT AS WELL” RANDOM PURCHASE OF THE YEAR  Kizaki Ondo Preservation Society and Clark Naito, 木崎音頭 Kizaki Ondo FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT TEN YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JAN/FEB) BUT I NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT Rich the Kid, “Plug Walk” ODDLY REASSURING THAT PEOPLE STILL JANGLE Massage, “Oh Boy” Earth Dad, “Walter” ...AND DISCOVER WORLDS FROM WITHIN THEIR BEDROOMS Soccer Mommy, Clean ...AND EXPLORE THE CONTOURS OF GROWLING AND NAGGING Sada Baby and Drego, “Bloxk Party” ...AND CAN USE THE PAST TO MAKE SOMETHING SO VISIONARY AND FORWARD-THINKING Virginia Wing, Ecstatic Arrow Mitski, Be A Cowboy ...AND LOOKING FOR FOURTH WORLDS Arp, Zebra ...AND MAKE IMPOSSIBLE RHYTHMS Heavee, WFM ...AND THAT ARTISTS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, WORKING IN IDIOMS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, MIGHT STILL BLOW MY MIND Odunsi (the Engine), rare. JUNGLE LIVES X-Altera, “Blowing Up the Workshop” mix TOP THREE TIMES I SAW STANDING ON THE CORNER THIS YEAR 3 - The Merciful Allah Black Hole Theatre 2 - The Time it All Ended with Fireworks on Grand St. 1 - An Empty Storefront During a Blizzard

{HONORABLE MENTIONS -The Time They Brought a Monolith -THEME DE YE-YO [Respect to the Gods]} SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER, YEAR,  STILL UNDEFEATED ### A CHURCH AND JOHN LENNON’S “IMAGINE” :: 2017 SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016 SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015

[hetalia-text-messages]

My Pride Story

Trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm and suicide.

This is hard to talk about, but here I go.

I started middle school in August of 2012 after a horrible two years. In 2010 I had been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and anxiety. In 2011, I was diagnosed with depression. I contemplated suicide daily and planned so many things. I wrote my note. Obviously I ended up not going through with it, thank god I’m here today.

My reason? Bullying. So much bullying. I had no friends after I lost my only one in 2008. She moved away without telling me. No friends made me an easy target, I suppose. No one could protect me or tell people to leave me alone.

I didn’t care about anything. I was an emotionless, hollow shell. I didn’t smile or laugh, or find anything stimulating. No hobbies. School was just hell. I passed everything, but it all moved so slowly. That’s also how I moved; slowly. Just trying to get through each day.

Loser, idiot, slut, whore, creeper, worthless, waste of space, I was called everything you can think of. We were ELEVEN. Kids can be horrible. I’m not sure everyone realizes that. It’s a problem.

“Kill yourself.” That was one I heard a lot. I turned to self-harming, but only twice. I didn’t like it. I still heard those two words every day. I came so close to listening multiple times. But I didn’t do it.

Back to middle school. I was quiet and painfully shy, but I made my first friend in years within two days. Her name was Sarah, but I now know him as Allen. He had been homeschooled until that year, so I helped him.

My second friend was Emma. There were so many students in my gym class, two people would have to SHARE lockers. Guess who I shared my locker with? She showed me her passion for writing and drawing, which reminded me of my old passion that had burned out. I picked up a pencil again and worked.

I drew and drew, and we traded pictures at sleepovers. “What should I draw?” Emma would ask. “Draw Tamama!” I shouted. We went back and forth until we got tired and her playlist full of Passenger and TØP ran out. We slept in the same bed. We were so close, people thought we were sisters.

It was seventh grade when I realized people saying that made me feel hurt.

Now, I didn’t really know anything about the LGBT+ Community. Hell, I hardly knew what it meant to be gay. I was ten when I first saw shonen-ai (which I mistakenly referred to as “yaoi” for many years), and I just thought “aw cute” and moved on. No one ever taught me about those things.

All my past crushes had been boys who never returned the feelings, so it confused me when I felt like that for a girl. I thought it was wrong, because I viewed Emma as a good little Christian girl who would never sin. I wasn’t religious, so I didn’t know how correct or incorrect I was.

One day she asked me who my crush was when I was at a club meeting. I couldn’t lie to my best friend, so I decided to tell her to wait until I got home. I locked myself in my room and just dropped hints for a while, getting more and more frustrated as she got more and more confused. I finally said “Emma” but she thought I was talking about another Emma. I was typing the words so hard as my hands shook.

“It’s YOU!”

“What?”

If you guys want some dramatic confession from her and us living happily ever after, too bad. That’s not what happened, life sucks. Get over it.

Emma is straight as a board, while I’m straight as a board broken in half with nails sticking out of it.

In 2014, I was starting to get a grasp on sexuality. Around the same time, I was given a warning by, guess who, Emma.

“Hey, Anna? I know you get into fandoms easily and become obsessed with them, so please don’t watch this anime called Hetalia. Okay?”

“Okay, I won’t.”

LIES!

I became intrigued after reading her crackfic. I needed to learn more. Stupid me accidentally saw World series first, then Axis Powers.

Then I realized there was a dub the whole time.

I like dub, shh.

Holy crap who is this adorable boy?! Japan, huh? Cool. Then who’s that cute boy? Russia. And-fuck it, they’re all attractive.

I think the first thing I wrote was USUK, since I finally had shipping down. It was called Libertea, and It SUCKED. I deleted it, so you can’t find it. The second thing I wrote was FrUK crack, which is still available. Not linking it, go find it yourself.

So I’m browsing the tumblr as usual when I saw a blog called aph-texts. Then I saw aph-texts-from-nordics. They were hilarious, and a thought came to mind.

“Holy shit, I wanna do that!”

So I stole borrowed the concept like an asshole a good person and made a couple on my main blog. When they blew up, I realized I had something. Boom, this blog was born.

As a plus, I realized who I was. A bisexual teenage girl. Things were looking great, until some people found out about that. They didn’t bug me, but they bugged Emma.

“Did you hear Anna is bi? Oh my god, does that make you bi too?”

This is why I keep my sexuality a secret. Not for me, for my friends. I’m not ashamed, I rocked that gay pride parade float our GSA Club made. It was nice to know who I was.

Except I didn’t know who I was.

I felt what I discovered was called “gender dysphoria”. I was always a bit of a tomboy, but suddenly things made sense. But I pushed it to the back of my mind and pretended it didn’t exist.

In 2017, I realized I was actually pansexual. I don’t give a shit what your gender is, I’ll love you anyways. After that, I realized I was asexual all this time. Again, things made sense. I was disgusted at the thought of sex, and the one time I tried to watch porn made me sick. But you do you.

I combined the two and made panromantic asexual, which is where I stand to this day. Something still wasn’t right, though. The gender dysphoria had grown until I couldn’t ignore it anymore, and this time I accepted it in early 2018.

I was a trans male.

I am a trans male!

Things were complete!

Haha, no. Did you really think it would be that easy?

I may go by Aaron Desmond and use he/him pronouns and have short hair, but that is hardly scratching the surface. Every day I see my breasts and get angry and sad. I need to pick up the binder I secretly ordered.

My friend Mark doesn’t approve. He’ll always see me as a girl, and find my sexuality wrong. “How can people not like sex?” Well, I just don’t. He’s going away for a while with no internet, so it gives me time to think about where our friendship will end up.

There’s still so many questions on what do do next. Bind? Top surgery? Testosterone? Bottom surgery? Packer (eh probably not)? How do I do any of this?

Emma tells me I can pass as a boy, but it seems a lot of people disagree. My voice gives it away. It was always kinda deep for a girl’s, but not deep enough.

HOLY SHIT I SOUND LIKE HARUHI FROM OHSHC

There’s really not much else to say, this is where I currently stand.

Sarah, now a boy named Allen. Emma, a girl I’m still deeply in love with no matter how much I deny it. Mark, a boy that couldn’t understand or respect me. My followers, who still support and love me.

And that’s my story that went on for way too long.

Happy Pride Month.

[gaymusicchart]

GAY MUSIC CHART – 2018 week 02

 Welcome to the Gay Music Chart, the LGBTQA related music videos TOP 50 actuality and most request.

Vote for your favourite LGBTQA related music videos by leaving a comment for this post on :

YOUTUBE (in the comment section of the video of the week) : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz7yfp-xq-b08tD6mAWwclA

BLOGGER : http://gaymusicchart.blogspot.fr

FACEBOOK : https://www.facebook.com/GayMusicChart/

TWITTER : https://twitter.com/GayMusicChart with #GayMusicChart  

TUMBLR : http://gaymusicchart.tumblr.com  

 Here is the recap for this week :

 OUT : Jakub & Dawid - Pokochaj nas w święta (LW: 18 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 08)

OUT : Alex Anwandter - Cordillera (LW: 26 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 26)

OUT : P!nk - What About Us (LW: 29 / WO: 17 / PEAK: 01 (x3))

OUT : G&D (Geez & DIK) - Freelove (LW: 33 / WO: 8 / PEAK: 07)

OUT : Avicii feat. Billy Raffoul - You Be Love (LW: 34 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 34)

OUT : Brockhampton - Quiver (LW: 38 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 35)

OUT : LOONA / 츄 Chuu - Heart Attack (LW: 44 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 44)

OUT : The AAA Girls - Meet & Greet (LW: 45 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 45)

OUT : Anna of the North - Lovers (LW: 46 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 46)

OUT : Kevin Chomat - Sens Interdit (LW: 47 / WO: 17 / PEAK: 01 (x2))

OUT : Alban Bartoli - Deux Mamans (LW: 48 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 48)

OUT : Javiera Mena - Dentro de ti (LW: 50 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 28)

  01 (=) : PJ Brennan - Tease (LW: 01 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 01 (x2))

PJ Brennan is well known for his role as Doug Carter in the British television soap opera Hollyoaks.

 02 (=) : Trevor Moran - Sinner (LW: 02 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 02)

 03 (+ 1) : Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love ("Call Me By Your Name" OST) (LW: 04 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 03)

The movie Is actually nominated for 3 Golden Globes for Best Movie, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor. The song has finaly an official music video.

 04 (+ 4) : Leon Else - What I Won't Do (Lyric Video) (LW: 08 / WO: 30 / PEAK: 02)

The British singer has came out on Facebook last May.

 05 (- 2) : Alfie Arcuri - If They Only Knew (LW: 03 / WO: 27 / PEAK: 01 (x7))

This is the new music video of the winner of The Voice Australia 2016. What must do a gay man when he's in love with his best male friend, who's dating his best female friend?

 06 (=) : Huntington - Love Is Love (LW: 06 / WO: 15 / PEAK: 02)

Three years after "Secret", this is their new original song. It was released specially for the Australian debate about marriage equality. Every cent made from this song went go to the Yes campaign. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 07 (+ 6) : La Prohibida - Baloncesto (LW: 13 / WO: 24 / PEAK: 03)

 08 (- 3) : Eli Lieb - Next To You (LW: 05 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 05)

 09 (+ 2) : Conchita Wurst & Ina Regen - Heast as Net (Hubert Von Goisern Cover) (LW: 11 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 09)

The power of yodeling, but in a classy way.

 10 (+ 6) : Francisco Victoria - Marinos (LW: 16 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 10)

Chile

This is the first single of the Chilean singer, produced by Alex Anwandter. A revelation.

 11 (+ 16) : Michele Bravi - Diamanti (LW: 27 / WO: 16 / PEAK: 04)

This is the third single from the Italian singer taken from the album “Anime Di Carta”.

 12 (+ 5) : HEIDRIK - Monster (LW: 17 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 12)

 13 (+ 7) : Smashby - Ringleader (LW: 20 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 13)

 14 (NEW) : George - Comme Ils Disent (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 14)

It's a surprising cover of a French classic gay song from Charles Aznavour made by this Russian singer.

 15 (- 8) : Wrabel - The Village (LW: 07 / WO: 23 / PEAK: 01 (x1))

This engaging song was written the day after US President Trump removed new federal protections for trans students in public schools last February. Trans actor August Aiden plays the role of a young transgender who tries to be himself despite the hostility of his father in the music video.

 16 (- 7) : Kevin Chomat - Issue de secours (LW: 09 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 03)

 17 (+ 15) : Blondie - Doom or Destiny (LW: 32 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 17)

A drag queen appears in the music video.

 18 (+ 12) : Namuel - Joven de Corazón (LW: 30 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 11)

In his new music video, the chilean singer is a teen at school who has a crush on his bully.

 19 (- 7) : P!nk - Beautiful Trauma (LW: 12 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 06)

In her new music video, P!ink supports her husband Channing Tatum who loves wearing her dresses.

 20 (+ 3) : Tokio Hotel - Boy Don't Cry (LW: 23 / WO: 10 / PEAK: 11)

The lead singer Bill Kaulitz becomes a beautiful drag queen in the new music video of the German band.

 21 (- 6) : Reigen - Rollin (LW: 15 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 15)

 22 (NEW) : Sufjan Stevens - Visions of Gideon (fan video) (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 22)

USA / from the album "Call Me By Your Name" OST

This is the second track composed by the American author for the original soundtrack of the critically acclaimed movie "Call Me By Your Name".

 23 (- 2) : Larva - For Ruy (censored version) (LW: 21 / WO: 11 / PEAK: 02)

Larva is a Mexican openly gay heavy metal band. The uncensored version, only for adults because of its raw sex content, is now also available on YouTube.

 24 (+ 7) : SAKIMA - Daddy (LW: 31 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 15)

 25 (+ 18) : Virgin Suicide - Evil Eyes (LW: 43 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 25)

This Danish music video is like a short movie, telling the struggles of a closeted gay teen taken by his father to a fathers-sons's camp.

 26 (NEW) : Kika Lorace & Allen King - Toro (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 26)

Spain

It's not the first time that the famous porn star is featuring in a music video of the Madrilene drag queen, but this time, he sings with her.

 27 (+ 13) : Rui Andrade - Confia Em Mim (LW: 40 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 27)

Portugal

This Portuguese music video is full of straight and gay kisses.

 28 (- 9) : 東京ゲゲゲイTokyo Gegegei - 「ダンスが僕の恋人」"Dance is My Boyfriend" (LW: 19 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 19)

Japan / from the album「再生パッション」より」"Saisei passhon' yori"

This is the new music video of the dance project from Japanese choreographer Mikey. The music video is restricted for adults on YouTube due to the same-sex scenes (we don't see a lot of things, but i's already bold for Japan!).

 29 (RE-ENTRY) : Allie X feat. VÉRITÉ - Casanova (LW: - / WO: 2 / PEAK: 29)

Canada - from the album "CollXtion II"

 30 (RE-ENTRY) : Eddy de Pretto - Kid (LW: - / WO: 2 / PEAK: 30)

France / from the EP "Kid"

The French singer talks about toxic masculinity and abusive virility. The single has reached the top 3 in the French singles chart.

 31 (+ 4) : Michele Bravi - Tanto Per Cominciare (LW: 35 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 14)

 32 (- 18) : Greyson Chance - Low (Official Lyric Video) (LW: 14 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 09)

 33 (- 11) : Johnny Hooker (part. Liniker) - Flutua (LW: 22 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 22)

Brazil / from the album "Coração"

The new music video of the Brazilian singers denounces homophobia.

 34 (RE-ENTRY) : Sem&Stènn - The Fair LW: - / WO: 2 / PEAK: 34)

Italy

The video wasn't available since their participation on X-Factor Italia where they finished 10th. The Italian duo finally uploaded again their video on Youtube.

 35 (+ 14) : Bobby Newberry - Up (LW: 49 / WO: 11 / PEAK: 08)

 36 (NEW) : Gloria Groove - Muleke Brasileiro (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 36)

 37 (NEW) : 크리샤 츄 (Kriesha Chu) - Like Paradise (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 37)

South Korea

In this MV, a girl is sad when her girl crush begins to date another guy. But is it a happy ending at the end ?

 38 (- 10) : Hayley Kiyoko - Feelings (LW: 28 / WO: 11 / PEAK: 04)

The singer flirts with another woman while she’s dancing in her new music video.

 39 (- 29) : Calum Scott - You Are The Reason (LW: 10 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 04)

 40 (+ 1) : Erik Altemus - Love Crimes (LW: 41 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 18)

 41 (- 16) : Alfie Arcuri - Love is Love (LW: 25 / WO: 12 / PEAK: 12)

The Australian singer took position with this song for the YES in the Australian Marriage Law Postal Survey. 61,6% of the 12,7 millions people who voted said YES to mariage equality. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 42 (- 5) : Nils Bech - Glimpse Of Hope (LW: 37 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 37)

Norway / from the album "Echo"

Director Ida Ekblad told that model Jakob Landvik impersonates her and her teenage brother, her daughter and her mom in her house. At one point, he talks to the neighboring guy (his crush? his dad?), played by her boyfriend. The result is a queer teen in Oslo.

 43 (NEW) : Yoko-Zuna feat. Heavy & Randa - Yes (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 43)

New Zealand

 44 (- 20) : Kiki - Sexy Santa (LW: 24 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 24)

Austria / Germany

This duo, composed by Tim Hüning and Bastian Hill, made a naughty Christmas song where they dream to hook up with Santa Claus.

 45 (NEW) : Andreas Kêr - Time To Shine (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 45)

Spain

This song was composed for the World Pride 2017 in Madrid.

 46 (- 4) : Tuure Boelius - Oh Boe (LW: 42 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 42)

Finland

The second single of the 16 years old Finnish YouTuber still hasn't an official music video, more than a month after the official tease. That why we presents now a fan music video for this track.

 47 (NEW) : Анна Плетнёва / Anna Pletnyova - Лалалэнд / Lalaland (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47)

This is the fifth single in solo of the Russian icon, ex-lead singer of the band Vintage.

 48 (- 12) : ILY - Your Love (LW: 36 / WO: 13 / PEAK: 05)

Two new brides are kissing in this Swedish music video.

 49 (- 10) : Oriana - Stay Or Run (LW: 39 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 39)

Argentina

The singer represents herself in love with another woman.

 50 (NEW) : Katy Perry - Hey Hey Hey (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 50)

USA / from the album "Witness"

Katy Perry plays Marie-Antoinette who dreams to be Joan of Arc.

   ALSO NEW THIS WEEK

 Dolly Bellefleur - Stap uit je schaduw

The Netherlands

  See you next week and don’t forget to vote for your best LGBTQA music videos ! Here are the rules :

1 ) You can vote for many videos as you want under the videos on YouTube in the comment section. It could be recent or past music videos, which must provide at least one among the following conditions:

- the music video has LGBTQA related content, in the lyrics or the music video

- the artist is LGBTQA, an LGBTQA icon or eventually ally

- LGBTQA medias talked about it.

2 ) You can’t vote more than 3 songs of a same artist per week.

3 ) In case of an artist who receive votes mostly by a fan base, we will count only one song, in a limited time of 10 weeks of presence in the top.

4 ) You can vote with only one account.

5 ) If you make 5 votes or less, your first vote will represent 5 points, your second vote 4 points, etc… until your last vote and following 1 point. If you make 6 to 10 votes, your first vote will represent 10 points, your second vote 9 points, etc… If you make more than 10 votes, your first vote will represent 20 points, your second vote 19 points, etc…

6 ) People who make 1 to 5 votes form the amateur ranking, those who make 6 to 10 votes form the fan ranking, those who make more than 10 votes form the expert ranking. We form the jury ranking. And we count now the ranking of minutes of views of our weekly playlist of the previous week. The Gay Music Chart is the addition of the five charts. In case of equality, the number of votes and the dates of votes will count.

7 ) The votes will close on Thursday, 8 PM, European time.

[brixie19]

Rock the Boat, Baby

I’ve been fairly quiet on social media about the current political situation for the most part.  I share articles that I find to be either informative or mind-numbingly insane, but other than that, I keep my mouth shut on Facebook.  Twitter is a different story - my entire timeline is filled with political retweets and one-sided conversations with our new President.  I keep that to Twitter for one big reason - I don’t have family members or many friends as followers.  On Facebook, everyone I’ve ever gone to school with or spoken to more than twice can see my posts - and, although I pride myself on being respectful and open, the few opinions I’ve shared have still led to public fights with family members and acquaintances.  

Everyone wants to believe- or at least hope- that, with time, the heightened emotions of the past few months will fade.  That things will return to normal, or some semblance of the normal we once knew.  I believed it myself for a while - on my darkest days after the election, I would think, “we’ll be fine.  How bad can it really get?  How much can things really change?”  But now, more than 2 months later, I am still angry.  I am still sad, disappointed, shocked, and terrified that this happened.  That it’s still happening.  And while I won’t bore you with the minute details of every offense Donald Trump has committed - the list would be far too long, as they seem to occur on an almost hourly basis at this point- I am remaining vigilant and am going into his term with my eyes wide open.  While I don’t love making myself angry every day or wanting to pull my hair out every time I read the responses to his tweets, I feel that it is so imperative to remain informed and educated.

For that reason, among many other obvious ones, I attended the Women’s March in Downtown Los Angeles yesterday.  If you know me, you’ll know that I do not like crowds, people, or walking - but this felt big and important and life changing, so I wanted to be there.  I NEEDED to be there.  The experience was unforgettable.  A day and a half later, I can still feel the energy, the positivity, the unity.  I don’t wax poetic very often, but what I witnessed yesterday - what I was a part of- was beautiful and powerful.  It was inspiring and empowering and will stick with me for a long, long time.  

But then when I turned to social media to share my joyous feelings, I instead- as with everything else that has happened over the past year- found so many distorted facts and outright falsehoods about what I and millions of others had just experienced.  Stories of violence and desperation- I even saw a quote that called the Marches a “total collapse of the social order.”  Something in me snapped.  I can’t stand for this anymore.  I won’t.

On the day of Trump’s inauguration, there were protests in the streets of Washington DC.  Thousands of people peacefully protested what could very well be the worst president in our lifetimes.  They protested his words, his lies, his plans.  They chanted and made signs.  They marched through the streets together, passionate and united.  

And then one group of people fucked everything up.

A group of people who do NOT represent me or anyone I know decided to go full blown anarchist and create chaos.  They broke windows, they threw bricks, they set a damn limo on fire.  I think everyone, from all sides, can come together on this one and agree that these types of actions - protests, riots, whatever you want to label them as- are absolutely not ok and is the opposite of what liberals and anti-trump protesters are trying to convey.  But even the Chief of Police admitted that it was one small, organized group who just wanted to come in and cause mayhem.  And it worked.  Because now, in the minds of Trump supporters, those people represent the thousands of people who peacefully protested.  And even worse, the 2.9 million people who marched across the globe yesterday for the Women’s March are being lumped in with them, too.

I can’t speak for other marches around the world.  But I can tell you what I experienced among the hundreds of thousands of strong women and their supporters:  Thousands of people peacefully protested what could very well be the worst president in our lifetimes.  They protested his words, his lies, his plans.  They chanted and made signs.  They marched through the streets together, passionate and united.

And no one fucked anything up.

And yet I see these tweets and these stories from “news” sites I’ve never heard of that people are desperately googling to fit the agenda Trump has created for them. Liberals are “soft,” we’re “elite snowflakes” who are “triggered” by Trump’s strength and vision.  We’re angry and pathetic, making mountains out of molehills and being too politically correct.  

Well fuck that.  FUCK THAT.  No one is going to tell me that wanting equal rights for everyone makes me weak.  You’re not going to call me a baby killer because I want Planned Parenthood to continue to receive federal funding.  Wanting to see our President’s tax returns doesn’t make me a crybaby.  Supporting Black Lives Matter doesn’t mean I hate cops and therefore veterans and anyone performing a public service.  I work hard.  I pay my fucking taxes and I love my country.  I am grateful for our service men and women.  But we need to do better.  And I’m going to keep shouting that from the rooftops for as long as Trump holds office.  

I support Planned Parenthood, 100%.  I think it is so important for women to have affordable health care, whether that means education, pap smears, screening for ovarian cancer, or STD testing.  It is so much more than what these people are focusing on.

I had an abortion once.  Talk about burying the lead, huh?  I was 20 years old.  The father was someone older than me who was in a long-term relationship.  When I told him, he told me I couldn’t have the baby.  While some of you may be grabbing your pearls in horror right now, let me assure you - I was agreeing with him before the words were even out of his mouth.  I could barely pay my rent.  I couldn’t (legally) drink yet.  He wasn’t mine - he never was and he never would be.  There was no future here.  There were relationships to destroy, lives to stall, and an unwanted child who I couldn’t - and didn’t want to- provide for.  

I called Planned Parenthood immediately.  They asked a few questions and made me an appointment right away.  Once I got there, I had to go through several therapy sessions and medical tests.  They MAKE SURE you are ok with this.  Almost ad nauseam.  I honestly got to the point where I wanted to scream, “can you just DO IT already so I can go home?!”  The doctor who performed it was kind and not at all judgmental.  And I assure you that he also was not a mustache twirling villain who scratched a mark into the wall to count off the babies he had killed that day.  This was not fun for anyone involved.  But it was my right.  It IS my right.  I was not raped. I was not a teenager or a victim of incest.  I did not have medical issues or any indication that the pregnancy would be high risk.  I was just a 20 year old idiot who didn’t have the emotional or financial capabilities to have a child at that moment.  And I own my mistake - I got pregnant, I own that.  I do not advocate for abortion as a form of birth control.  But here we are, 14 years later - and I’ve never gotten pregnant again.  And had Planned Parenthood not been able to legally perform my procedure, I would have had a very different life.  Can I say that it would have been a BAD life?  No, of course not.  But no matter what happened, I would have a 14 year old right now.  And even now- even right now as I sit here typing this as a wizened, more mature 34 year old woman living in Los Angeles and happy in a relationship- I can say that I don’t regret it.  I regret that the entire situation ever happened, of course.  But I don’t regret my decision.  

I don’t ever want a scared 20 year old to go through what I went through and not have a way out.  Because what happens then?  Nothing good, I assure you.  Life is not an uplifting coming-of-age movie.  Life is hard and ugly and unfair.  So don’t tell me that I can’t voice my opinion when things that make our short time on the earth just a little easier are being threatened.  I won’t listen to it anymore.  We need to support each other, to help our fellow man.  This is basic human decency.  

I stand with my fellow women.  I stand with the gay community.  The black community, the muslim community- with the immigrants and the people just trying to get out of bed every day and make something of their lives.  I stand with people who just want to marry the person they love, the men and women who want to use the public restroom that coincides with the gender they identify with, the couple who wants to order some goddamned cupcakes without being asked what their religious beliefs are.  I stand with women who are scared, women who are strong; poor women and the Meryl Streeps of the world.  

Women’s rights are human rights.  If our country is as great as many of you want to keep screaming, then it should be great for each and every one of its citizens - not just the ones you pick and choose.  I’m tired of being polite to hold on to relationships that weren’t very strong in the first place.  You think liberals are too politically correct?  Alright, let me fix that.  Fuck you for not wanting to help people.  For wanting to take away people’s health care, for denying scientific evidence of climate change.  Fuck you for victim blaming and trying to pass laws that discriminate against the LGBTQ community.  Fuck you for trying to use the government to try to tell me what I can and can’t do with my own body because a deity you’ve never seen tells you so in a book that was written a million years ago.  Fuck you for electing this horrid excuse for a man into our country’s highest position.  I pray it works out for us.  For ALL of us.  But until we know that it will, I will no longer be censoring myself.  I will wear my anger and my anxiety for our future on my sleeve and on my Facebook page.  You don’t like that?  Too bad.

To quote the words of one of my heroes, the strong, beautiful Amy Poehler; when a male comedian told her to be more ladylike because he didn’t like the raunchy joke she was telling, she replied:  

“I don’t fucking care if you like it.”

And neither do I.